Saturday, June 9, 2012

Courtroom confession #1

Have you had to go to court lately? No, I don't think that my "audience" is full of crackheads and criminals (though I've said it before and I will say it again--parenting makes me understand why people smoke. Crack.), or even traffic violators, but after my car accident I had to go to court and had QUITE an experience.


Let me begin by telling you that I have had a handful of court room experiences in my life. The very first was when I was sixteen. My mother managed a children's book store at the time (not relevant to the point, just wanted to say it) and left us (and by us I mean my two step sisters--not evil--and their friend Kerri) in the car to run in to get her pay check. I need you to know that my mother was in a F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C mood that day. I have NEVER seen her in such a great mood. In fact, throughout my teenage years I am pretty sure that she spent each day willing herself NOT to kill me. And drinking.

Anyway, the first half of the day I droned on and on about how well I did in Driver's Ed the previous day and the fact that the ninety-five-year-old instructor said that when it came to driving stick shift, I was the best student he had that day. Don't be gross. When my mother left us, the girls in the back seat called me on my B.S.

Pam (younger sister): "Well, since you are so GOOD at driving a stick shift, why don't you move the car up? It will be so funny--your mom will think that she did it!"

Me: "Oh--no--I would get in so much trouble!"

Wendy (older than Pam, younger than me): "No you won't--she won't even know!"

Kerry (friend):

Pam: "Come on--do it--it will be so funny!"

Me: "I don't know..."

All three (or just one--it was like thirty years ago, give me a break!)--"Hurry--before she gets back! Don't you think it will be funny when she looks around like, 'I swore I parked over there...'?

Me: "Okay..." Get in driver's seat, put foot on the clutch and turn the key. IMMEDIATELY smash into the car next to me and into the car in front of the car next to me. TWO cars. Focus on mother exiting the store, looking like Snow White when the animals dance and sing around her until she slows down and furrows her brow as if to say, "Oh no--I hope those people are okay! I wonder whose car that is..." which then turns into a slight run with a face that says, "That is MY car and those are MY people!"

All three in the back seat: "You need to leave. Now. You need to run away because they will KILL you. Do you have anywhere you can go?! We will cover for you to give you a head start..."

My mother: "What did you do?! What did you do?! What did you doWhat did you doWhat did you doWhat did you doWhat did you doWhat did you doWhat did you doWhat did you doWhat did you doWhat did you doWhat did you doWhat did you doWhat did you doWhat did you do?! "

Me: "I--"
Mom: "Don't talk. What did you do?!"

Me: "But--"
Mom: "I said, DON'T TALK. What did you do?!"

Then there were police and people and crying and more crying...let's fast forward to court. My uncle was my attorney and he advised me (much like my mother did) not to speak. The judge had the reputation in my high school of being the meanest judge who hated teen drivers. Perfect. I was prepared to have to be there all day, but the judge called me up, my uncle told him that the punishment my mother would give me would be far worse than ANYTHING the courts could come up with and I was dismissed. I'm not sure if it was my uncle's excellent track record or my mother's famous and effective punishments that did it--I'm guessing it was a little of both. I didn't get my license until I was twenty-five. I didn't attempt to drive a stick-shift until twenty-six or twenty-seven and I pretty much suck at it. I'm better at that than I am at bragging, however...

This is part one of my courtroom confessions series. I just decided right now that I should have a series. I know that I rarely stick with anything that I start, but I am DYING to tell you about my latest courtroom debacle and it IS a good story. Do you have any stories about getting a ticket or going to court or being a braggart and eating crow afterward? 

13 comments:

  1. OH That's goooood!! How bad was the car? That sounds like a great movie scene!
    I've only been to traffic court once and it was really boring.

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    1. We didn't talk about it...EVER...but I am pretty sure I totaled one, seriously damaged the other, and seriously damaged my mother's. I'm happy to hear that you were only there once and that it was uneventful--having a story to tell means that things did NOT go well!

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  2. Oh MY!! You're lucky you lived to tell the tale! My kids would be six feet under!

    Love the new layout!!!!

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    1. I know--I don't even know WHAT I would do to my child if he or she did something so very stupid! I knew I was in serious trouble when my mother didn't yell--she just didn't even speak--for fear of killing me, I'm sure--and we couldn't afford bail after having to fix all of those vehicles...
      As for the layout, it happened because I am stupid (much like the car story!)--I tried to add a button for a blog hop and I lost my design completely. Luckily my friend Melissa was able to fix it, but some of the fonts and other things I had before are no longer available--I'm glad to hear that you like it! Stupid buttons...

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  3. oh no! lol... those stories are always so much better decades later.. i've never been to court but have had my fair share of really stupid accidents... with my parents car. and my very first car-on the very first night i got to drive it... not a great track record here.

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  4. You know, I never knew that story. I knew you didn't drive, but never knew why. That's a doozy! So, what was your punishment? From Amy Sunshine.

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    1. Well, I was pretty much grounded for all of puberty, I couldn't get my license...EVER, and I spent most of my "spare" time doing yard work or cleaning. I think they didn't beat me because they knew they wouldn't stop if they started! The morning after (my mother didn't speak to me for WEEKS!), my dad put a "Night of the Crash test Dummies" Far Side book at my seat. afraid to laugh, but afraid not to laugh...I'm pretty sure they enjoyed seeing me squirm--it WAS the only pay back they would get!

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  5. Oh, I've been in court recently, twice. Not for me, but for one of my daughter's who has a penchant for accumulating a variety of traffic violations and then ignoring the them.

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    1. Is it bad that I laughed at this?! I have a friend who had the same problem with tickets (I can see myself doing the same thing as your daughter--hoping that they would go away on their own, but I didn't because I couldn't drive, remember...). She even got TWO tickets on her way home from college--one for speeding because she wasn't paying attention and one for speeding because she was so pissed about getting the first ticket! As a parent, I truly believe that I would KILL my child for being as stupid as I was--THEY should know better--right?!

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  6. Best thing I ever did?!?!...Married a cop! Thank GOD!!! I get pulled over at least once a week! I remember driving you home one night and we drove through a check point...I was completely sober, you not so much (But no worries, I was the driver!) He asked me to recite my ABC's..you leaned over and screamed...I mean sang, "z,y,x,w,v,u,t...this isn't so hard!!! Give her something harder to do!!" He just laughed and told me to "enjoy" my ride home!!!

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    1. The question IS, did you?! I clearly did! Thanks for the memory, Bridget--I keep thinking about it and laughing! Good times...

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  7. Oh my goodness. Was the car really damaged? I can only imagine! I am reading all your courtroom confessions- I am laughing. I have to say I never been in traffic court yet.

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    1. Melissa, I hope you NEVER have to! If I ever finish writing my most recent confession, you will never WANT to (as if anyone ever WANTS to go to traffic or any other kind of court...)!

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