Friday, May 25, 2012

Well played, Zuckerman(BERG)

I have to remind myself that five years ago I refused to get a facebook account and TEN years ago there was no such thing as facebook and TWENTY years ago I was paying to use the computer at Kinko's to get my resume and teaching portfolio done. I REALLY have to remind myself.

If I remind myself of all of that (especially those Kinko's sessions--what a rip off--I had to pay for each fifteen minutes and the computer would freeze for like NINE of those seconds. It was like computer prostitution. Only, I am pretty sure that if the prostitute freezes up for nine of the fifteen minutes, "John" doesn't have to pay. Of course, in THAT scenario, "John" would probably get his kneecaps busted by some gargantuan named Bubba, while I argued and pleaded with a pimply faced teen named Stu, but I digress...), I don't get as upset about the madness that facebook--timeline and EVERYTHING--causes.

Let me begin by reminding you that I KNOW it is a free service and it is COMPLETELY optional. I truly believe this. Only I don't. Because Zuckerberg (though I want to call him ZuckerMAN. I don't know why, but I cannot be held accountable for the spelling or misuse of his name. I do not feel like doing the proper research here and I think we all know that it is not Zucker MAN, though we will deal with it if I refer to him as such. Thank you.) did not become a gagillionaire (It's a thing. Don't judge.) by creating something that the average person is able to use for a reasonable amount of time and then put away for the night. Or the morning. Or the day. No, Zuckerberg(MAN) preys on our weaknesses knowing damn well that we will be drawn back by the facebook force. Including the option to approve of what another person says was probably the most brilliant thing ever invented. EVER. Think about it. How many times a day do you check your status updates to see if anyone commented or got a laugh from it. Or in some cases, showered you with compliments on your brilliance and your humor. Go on--think about it. You KNOW I'm right. There are some days I skip meals, phone calls, parenting...just to seek that red light of facebook approval. Well played, Zuckerberg.  Well. Played.

So many of us (okay...MOST of us. I know this because of the in-depth "research" I did with my wine and my wandering mind. Don't quote me on it as I never actually LOOKED anything up--I was too busy looking for facebook approval. Don't blame ME--blame the "force--"and the little red light!) did not get the approval we so desired in our youth. We were brought up in a time where ONE person got a trophy and if you had a peanut allergy you just ate what was given to you hoping that your caregiver would stop yelling at you (for writhing in agony on the ground) quickly enough to get the ambulance there in a timely manner so as not to DIE which then would have been SUCH an inconvenience to everyone). Awards assemblies were for the elite few who were exceptional enough to win awards. The rest of us just hoped that our seventh period English teacher would allow us to make a bathroom trip during the ceremony so that we could sneak a peek into the auditorium where the brilliant and talented mingled with educators who showered them with presents and praise. Hypothetically.

Trying out for a sport meant that you were TRYING OUT--you weren't accepted simply because you WANTED to be on it (though when I "tried out" for the Field Hockey team because I wanted to wear the cute uniform, I'm not sure HOW I made it, but my tenure was brief. Evidently rocking the uni wasn't a requirement of playing. Knocking the crap out of people's shins with a blunt instrument WAS. Who knew?!) You had to prove that you were capable and simply being ON the team didn't mean you were going to play. In my case, I was thrilled to simply sit the bench and look pretty  (I'm not bragging--this is a comparative thing and we are dealing with SERIOUS field hockey players. "Pretty" is relative.) and would have mini panic attacks when I thought I would have to actually get out there and protect myself from those savages.  I know I have mentioned my Sue Heck (The Middle) past--after getting and (more importantly LOSING) the psychotic boyfriend-who-tried-to-kill-me, I seemed to do much better. Maybe because they started to employ the whole, "Let everyone make the team" philosophy, or, more likely, not enough people wanted to PLAY field hockey (do you honestly BLAME them?! It's like hockey on crack with baseball bats and your goal is to take out a bitch (sorry--that's as "gangsta" as I get)--but they have REALLY cute uniforms--mostly so that your opponents (and even your teammates) can aim for your open skin. Fun times!

Let's bring this back to Zuckerberg. I'm not even going to START on the timeline...I think we KNOW how I feel about THAT. I have to say, I do get SOME messages now. That's better than the five weeks of NOTHING I got a few months ago. My beef is with the whole punishing people for taking a break (because I have a computer that is so basic and archaic that it says RETURN on it rather than Enter (or is that a MAC vs Microsft thing? I don't care--I'm sticking with the joke.) by not posting the things they post and by not showing them what their "virtual" friends post. I've also not gotten emails or comments that have been posted on my wall. Thanks for nothing, Zuckerman(BERG)--I think we know how much I NEED, nay, YEARN for positive reinforcement and you just tore that away from me. Not. Cool.

And while I'm on the subject of uncool things that Zuckerberg-man and his staff of millions do to destroy my sanity each day, let's discuss this new (new to me is up to a year. Maybe even two or three depending on the topic.) "feature" of scrolling what everyone in facebook land is doing.

Marcy Smith moved from the sofa to the chair
Annie Jones just took a drink of her coffee
Mike Jones is pissed because Annie drank all of the coffee...

REALLY?! YOU are KILLING me, Zuckerberg. A slow, painful death. Because what I cannot get is reassurance and letters from my friends/fans (I am quite certain that my friends do not have a problem with my calling them "fans." It is not pretentious AT ALL. Let's be honest--they know what an attention-seeking-whore I am (That is ATTENTION-SEEKING-WHORE, not ATTENTION-SEEKING, WHORE. Just for the record. My MOM reads this, people. And my AUNT. AND my MIL. AND JATDaddy's AUNT. AND...well, most likely no one else, but still...) in the way of a tiny red light indicating that someone has either "liked" or left a message for me about something I have done or something I may like. I do not get some emails that have been sent to me--sometimes for MONTHS. I'll tell you what I haven't missed--every single Castleville/Hidden Chronicles request--sometimes twenty of them at a time. Thanks Zuckerman (BERG)--I LOVE those and would much rather have them instead of encouragement and positive reinforcement from friends. What I also get is the rolling list of  "Daisy just left the bathroom--don't forget to flush!" and "Thomas read about hate crimes in the 1950s..." I also get the occasional posting that tells that I'VE read something, and I think we all know to double check THAT fact. I got a Kindle for Christmas and immediately read The Hunger Games--a conversation for another day--and South of Broad. I read two or three other random (but enjoyable) books that were on there (thanks, Mom) and haven't looked at anything else. I say this because a few months ago my name started showing up in the rolling Brave-New-World sidebar that peeks through your Skype cam each day.  Zuckerberg(MAN) posted that I had read some article about Obama. harmless enough--I very well COULD have read an article about Obama. He IS after all OUR PRESIDENT. I know that there are many who refuse to believe it--even though it HAS been almost four years, but whatever.

Sidebar: Whatever your feelings about Bush and Obama, I do not remember the blatant rage and denial over Bush's tenure and without getting into pointing fingers and pointing out faults, REALLY?! Lay off the man and vote for the person you want to win in November. If he loses, sad for you, but go on with your life and do what YOU can to make your life and our country better. And vote OUT the members of Congress who are REALLY to blame.

Don't get pissed...I just get up on my soapbox every-so-often, but I'm back. So Zuckerman claims that I've read this article and I don't know it. I find out when a friend of mine (one of the many who refuse to believe that Obama won FOUR years ago...) comments and attacks me for supporting 'THAT GUY" and goes on to rant about some nonsensical things about Obama and my stupidity. I don't think he used that word, but again--I do not wish to look it up. Some of you remember this because it led me to a two or three day soap box that may or may not have lost me some fans and friends.

I tell you this, not to make this political, but to tell you that all it said was that I READ an article. I have READ a lot of things in my life. In high school I researched Hitler, though I am really not a fan. I READ the comment from my friend, though I really disagreed with it. How do you assume that someone is FOR something or someone based on what they've READ? [Climb up on soapbox.....NOW!] Isn't THIS the problem? People make assertions BEFORE they read anything and refuse to modify their thinking even when there is evidence to the contrary? Grab your wine glass and your brain and do the research if you care so much. *sigh*

ANYWAY...I didn't think anything of the fact that it posted at the time because my brain is fuzzy and I very well COULD have read an article and forgotten about it. But then there were others.

Nika read about Miley Cyrus (again--don't CARE how she spells it) and her new boyfriend
Nika read about how to get rid of Syphilis (one L?)
Nika read that LT sold his Superbowl ring

REALLY? To be honest, I shouldn't care because I firmly believe that a person should be able to read ANYTHING and not be judged for it. It is right up there with my feelings that we should be able to DO anything and not be judged for it (even those of you thumping your bibles (or Korans or Torahs) have to admit that we are supposed to "Judge lest ye be judged..." and whatever that translates into for other religions...sometimes the fact that I am so wise just blows me away...), though the whole Obama debacle made me realize that people infer whatever they want to infer and silently (or belligerently (2 Ls?)) judge. So somewhere out there is a former friend/fan who thinks that I am sitting home after catching Syphilis from LT rocking out to Party in the USA (which, I'm not gonna lie, is a pretty catchy song. Just sayin'...).  Thanks, Zuckerman(BERG). Why don't I see YOUR name in the scroll on the side?  I would be interested to know what YOU are not doing these days.

What do you think that is all about anyway? Is facebook trying to stir up trouble so that there will be an all out facebook rebellion? I'd better get my butt to Kinko's...


  1. hahahaha... great post! I think Zuckerman sounds better anyways... I would probably change it if I were him. :) So glad I haven't been forced to get the Timeline yet!! sounds awful!

    1. I'm sure that he would consider it, given all the praise I have bestowed upon him recently!
      Why wouldn't he appreciate a cranky SAHM insulting him and calling him by the wrong name all over her disdain with a free product that he provides to her and all of her other friends (virtual and otherwise) so that they can have an outlet and a forum to discuss things like the facebook timeline...;o)

  2. I thought his name was Zuckerman too.... lol Wait... come to think of it, wasn't that the name of the family from Charlotte's Web... maybe that's why it sounded familiar

    1. Hahaha! I think you are right! If only I had some way to find out for certain...

  3. You have convinced me to never open my facebook account again. The only time I did I had to have one to watch Hulu or something.

    Some one asked me how I voted once and I said "By private ballot."

    You are pretty amusing I will stop in to check on you once in a while. Good blog! Sorry I don't subscribe to anything and am not a number seeker.

    1. Thanks for stopping by--I'm glad you found me amusing! Hope to see you again00not necessarily for the numbers...!

  4. Facebook is horrible, and I can't stay away from it.

    I got a FB ad awhile back for pardons in Canada that was presented with a pic of Charlie Sheen. When I went to the website (not that I need a pardon - really), there was no sign of Charlie anywhere. I don't doubt that he needs a Canadian pardon, but WTF?

  5. Facebook is my crack. I can't do actual crack because it might lead my husband to divorce me and my kids to be taken away from cps (actually, all those things might be a little nice)... so I turn to Facebook instead. I think I would be very productive if I didn't have it... but since I refuse to go a day without playing on it, I don't think I will ever know for sure.

    **Btw- found you off of the blog hop! :)

    1. I agree with you 100%--ALL of it! Thanks for visiting!


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