I'm leaving Tom

So I had to interrupt my own blog (or include a preface!) to remind you to look at and enter yesterday's contest and to let you know (or WARN you!) that I WILL tell the actual story of last night that inspired this post when I get more than two (three?) hours of sleep. Happy reading! That's it--it's final. I'm leaving Tom. I'm done. We've tried counseling and self-help books (or manuals. Tomato...tomato...?) and have even tried time outs, but nothing gets through to Tom. I know what some of you are thinking--I KNOW that my husband's name is DAVE. I am speaking of Tom...Tom. And I am leaving TomTom for Siri because Tom hates me. This isn't the first time I thought that Tom and I should part ways--it has been in the works for a while now. There was the time when we were in Canada and almost ended up at the bottom of lake Erie. Or when we visited my dear friends (and my DARLING Godson) in Poughkeepsie and it got stuck...on Poughkeepsie. So much so that while we were driving in SOUTH DAKOTA seven months later our map read POUGHKEEPSIE and practically drove us INTO Mount Rushmore (or the Roosevelt Mansion as Tom would have you believe). The fact that whenever I truly need him he fails me is definitely becoming a problem. I deserve better...nay...my FAMILY MEMBERS deserve better. And better is what I hope to give them. Maybe if I get a paper route or something... So my latest...debacle with Tom was just last night. I can safely write this now because I will not be needing Tom's services for a good day or two. If he gets offended and tries to freeze me out or give me the silent treatment it won't matter because I know how to get to anywhere I could possibly need to go for the next few days. This is why I thought that now would be the time to voice my disdain. What I want to know is how do I end up with the only GPS on the PLANET with an attitude? If Tom tells me to exit right and I don't exit ENOUGH right, a pissy voice may or may not come back on to give me an alternate route. Heaven forbid I should do it TWICE--then Tom decides to go silent and leave me on my own. For the ENTIRE trip. Grrrr...TOM. I know that some of you probably think that my words are hyperbolic and surely do not accurately describe what happens--after all, a GPS couldn't possibly give the SILENT treatment, but you have not met Tom. Two friends now have witnessed Tom's infractions and would FULLY support a switch to Siri. Before I try to convey a story that may or may not be able to be put into words, I have to do what I hate--I have to play favorites and compare Tom and Siri.I know it's not good for their self esteem, but getting caught between gang fire in downtown Newark isn't good for MY self esteem. At least it wasn't CAMDEN. *shudder* Where was I? Keep up, people...you KNOW I'm not going to and SOMEONE should know what it is I think I am doing here...right? So Tom...tells me to get off of the highway for no particular reason and then leads me back TO the highway again to...pay more tolls? Waste gas and time? No clue. Siri on the other hand responds to, "Why are we leaving the highway, Siri?" "Oh, my! So sorry to startle you, but we need to exit the highway because you only have a third of a tank of gas left and gas prices get more expensive down the road. I should have explained it to you before I told you to exit. Forgive me?" (In my world, Siri is Mr. Belvedere meets Mary Poppins. It could happen--you don't know.) Tom finds that you are in an unsafe location and threatens to blow up your vehicle as you circle "the hood" for hours, desperately trying to escape. Tom says nothing--just circles and circles and...SIRI on the other hand? "Goodness, this appears to be the outskirts of what may possibly become a sketchy neighborhood. Please forgive me for taking this way. You must IMMEDIATELY turn around (she would say a specific location here) and (specific direction, specific direction, specific direction). Would you like me to wipe your brow? The stress of almost being in the outskirts of somewhere dangerous seemed to cause a small amount of perspiration to form on your otherwise flawless brow..." Tom just lets me rot like the sweaty flawed-brow woman I am and tries to sabotage me in my endeavors. THIS is why I am leaving Tom. And why I have to end this because I'm going to have to get started on my paper deliveries if Siri is going to be invited to live here. Do they even HAVE paper people anymore? Siri would know...