Thursday, November 17, 2011

Our shelf elf...

We have an Elf on the Shelf. My cousin first told me about it three or four years ago and I found the idea BRILLIANT. So brilliant that I whined about getting one for a few years before I finally bought one last November. Although it pains my husband to pay for nonessentials, we came up with a plan for the Elf's visit. The behavior problems and yelling and screaming had been escalating and we knew we had to do SOMETHING. Enter, THE ELF. We wrapped the box and addressed it to the family from Santa on St. Nicholas's Day. We included a letter about behavior and how disappointed Santa would be if they didn't start to turn things around--that simply watching from the North Pole was not enough--he needed a man INSIDE. The Elf was sent as an extra set of eyes for Santa--THAT'S how poorly we'd been behaving. NOT our proudest moment. Don't judge--we were DESPERATE and it was really for the safety of the children. If things didn't turn around SOON, SOMEONE was going to be hospitalized. The instructions stated that we were only allowed to touch the elf that first time as we placed him on a shelf. We were supposed to name the elf (which in a normal family would be a fun thing to do...IN A NORMAL FAMILY) then modify our behavior so that the elf would only report GOOD things to Santa. For children who believe that a man is able to fly around the world on magic reindeer and deliver presents to billions of children, my six, five and four-year-olds REALLY had a problem believing in this whole elf business. "But he's just a DOLL. How could A DOLL report anything to SANTA? That doesn't even make SENSE!" Ryan scoffed, clearly unconvinced. "Well, SANTA sent him, RYAN, so he MUST be real!" Brayden responded earnestly. "Do we really want to take the chance?" I asked. "Don't you think we are in ENOUGH trouble with Santa?!" "I just don't understand--he's like--A DOLL--not a REAL elf..." My loud gasp interrupted her. "Well, we should all hope that he didn't hear you say THAT!" I said in my most convincing mom voice."I know I don't want to live in a house that Santa doesn't visit..." "Denis A. lives in a house where Santa doesn't visit and Mrs. Feldman is Jewish, so Santa doesn't go to HER house either and they seem very happy," Brayden offered. "Thank you for that. However, Santa WOULD go to their houses if they WANTED him to go to their houses because they BEHAVE and don't need Santa to send an extra elf to keep an eye on them like WE do. Now get upstairs for nap." All three helped me place the elf on top of the armoire and slowly backed away from him to head upstairs for nap time. When were all upstairs, Ryan remembered she had left her blanket downstairs. She hurried down to get it when my husband saw her circling the elf, scrutinizing every inch. He witnessed her point two fingers at HER eyes then point them back at the elf like Deniro indicating he had eyes on Stiller in the Fockers movies. I think she was missing the point of this whole elf thing. After nap, my children were STUNNED to see that the elf had moved to another high location. "What could this MEAN?" they asked. "Well, he is supposed to move around so that you don't know WHERE he is, to catch you[hopefully] behaving. He must have wanted to get a better view." This answer appeased Addison, but the other two were still a bit skeptical. Brayden came around first--mostly out of fear of not getting presents, but Ryan...SHE spent most of her time in the room with the elf, watching him and waiting for his next move. About an hour later, we heard a crash and ran to see what had happened. Ryan, the elf, a shoe, some dust (okay...A LOT of dust) and some papers were all on the floor, the victims of some kind of accident. "I just wanted to see if he really WAS a doll, Mommy" Ryan wailed. "I thought if I threw Daddy's shoe at him, maybe he would catch it, but everything fell and I slipped..." We needed a new plan. That night, the elf "left." hHe left no explanation or forwarding address, but we suspected that perhaps he left because we had disappointed him and Ryan after all had TOUCHED him (which the directions specifically stated NOT to do...this family has a problem with SPECIFIC instructions...we'll get back to that another time) so he was probably either with a new family or back at The North Pole. We hadn't even NAMED him yet (we had only fought and cried for an hour over names), so he probably felt sad and unwelcomed. MAYBE if we REALLY behaved well, he would come back so that we could have another chance with Santa. THIS seemed to resonate with my children and they had a FANTASTIC day. After another day like that one, the elf popped up in Ryan's room with a note that REMARKABLY sounded a lot like our suspicions written above, though he included a line that forgave Ryan for touching him. His name was Ernie--he thought we should know--and he was willing to give us another chance with Santa because he was SO IMPRESSED with the way the previous two days had gone. Every night until Christmas eve, Ernie moved around our house to keep an eye on things for Santa. Ryan slept with her note for a night or two--I'm not sure what THAT relationship was all about, but she was a believer. THIS year, we decided to bust Ernie out early since the behavior is getting a little rocky. He hasn't been moving locations which baffled the older two. "Why is he in the same spot today as he was yesterday? " Brayden wondered aloud. "Maybe he's tired from his trip," Ryan offered. "Maybe he's giving us a chance to remember how to behave," Brayden added. "Maybe heeeesa DOLL," Addison chimed in from the art desk. Here we go again...

12 comments:

  1. Our Elf on the Shelf is Teddy, and he moves to a new location every morning. The kids have to find him in his new spot everyday. (My husband and I almost always forget to friggin' move him, so we have to distract them and move him while they're up our asses in the morning.) I think in the book that goes with him, it says he finds a new place to sit every morning because at night he reports back to the North Pole. Whatever. It helps for December behavior. Can we put a fucking hula dancer on the shelf over the summer? She can report back to the manager at the pool or something. "Sorry, kids. You can't swim today. Harriet the Hula dancer says you didn't eat your broccoli at dinner last night."

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  2. Lucy, we do THE SAME THING--at least we did last year. THIS year he has not done the "move" yet because we forgot when we first brought him back and I want it to seem believable (you know--an elf flying back to the NP every night believable), so we'll have him move maybe after Thanksgiving and leave a letter...from the doll. I LOVE the Hula idea--let's get ON that!

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  3. Well Lucy, I hope you don't speak to your kids the way you commented to Nika! Please! Is it necessary???

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  4. Nika. I love it! We never had an elf when the kids were small, however, I think it's a great idea!

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  5. Actually, Johanna is the one who told me about it in the first place! She said that you gave it to them and they LOVE it!

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  6. Oh, hey, Anonymous! How are you? I do hope you're well. We're just swell over here at our house! Want to know what we did today? Well, first we had a few whiskey shots and smokes for breakfast while we gathered around the TV for some nice gay porn. We sort of lost track of time. (In hind sight, maybe the pot wasn't such a good idea.) We realized we were running a tad late for school, so we quickly got the kids' backpacks together. Today was show and tell for the letter R, so I sent them along with their razor blades and Rohypnol.

    After school they hopped in the back of the pick-up truck and we headed to the playground. We found some hypodermic needles and broken glass and they were so excited that I let them take some home for their collections of sharp and shiny things. (How can you say, "No" to those cute little faces?)

    They wanted a snack when we got home, so I whipped up some nice Jello shots. (Delish!) When Daddy got home they practiced their target shooting in the backyard with some nice brewskies. I just treasure the bond they share with their father.

    They were just so exhausted by the end of the day, we didn't even eat dinner. They just passed out on their beds of nails, clutching their Teddies riddled with bed bugs. I hope they have sweet dreams tonight, as they anticipate tomorrow's fun-filled day of scouring the beach for used condoms to make all sorts of clever balloon animals. My kids are just so darn talented!

    Well, anyway, I feel like I've rambled, and I'm so sorry about that. Wait. Why am I apologizing to you? Oh, that's right. Apparently your shit doesn't stink, and your holier-than-thou attitude makes you feel as if you have the right to tell me what is and what is not appropriate to write on my friend's blog, or what to say and not say to my children. Just so we're clear, I don't give a fuck what you think of me or how I raise my children. I'm pretty sure that 20 years from now, my kids will read this and tell me how awesome I was for standing up to...what's your name again? Oh, that's right. You didn't have the balls to write it. If you're a good girl, maybe Santa will put some in your stocking, along with a fucking sense of humor. Get over yourself.

    Much love,

    Lucy

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  7. Oh, and Nika, I actually do apologize to you for blowing up your comment section like this. Tell you what...come on up with the kids, and we'll have a playdate at the strip club! I know a great spot just around the corner where I turn tricks. We'll get you a nice lap dance. My treat! ;)

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  8. So funny! Your kids are too smart for their or your own good. This morning my son found our elf Patrick on the Christmas tree. He announced that he was hiding there because he whispered to him the night before asking him to hide there. Damn, I am getting good. :)

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  9. I LOVE it! You ARE good! And Lucy, I'm busy this week, but maybe next week...;o)

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  10. O M G Lucy you are freakin Awesome!

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  11. mklady, you are TOTALLY invited to the strip club play date. ;)

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