Potty talk...

My children never flush. EVER. This proves to be QUITE a problem because my house ALWAYS smells like pee. The thing is, they USED to flush. I'm not sure what happened--I think it may be because when we first moved into this house there was a flood in the dining room. I know it sounds like a stretch, but hear me out on this. We moved here last October and had only lived here a week or two when the sewer backed up and there was an inch (maybe more) of water in my powder room, laundry room and dining room. NICE. At first, I had thought that the washing machine had overflowed and then I thought it was a clogged toilet issue (my kids, like MOST kids use A LOT of toilet paper). We finally found that the problem wasn't with the actual toilet (though that is where the water came from initially--yum...) it was with the well and the sump pump and a million other things I don't understand. When all was said and done, we hat trennches going through our front yard and an insurance check to cover all that was damaged. Except for my psyche. I think I've mentioned my psyche before, but I didn't mention how damaged it got when I went sloshing through the dining room--IN MY SOCKS--when the sewage was slowly enveloping my home. When I found out WHAT it was on my feet, I peeled off the socks and wanted to dip my feet in bleach. Instead, I showered. And showered. Then showered again. My body has never been so clean--OR so dirty! It didn't help that we have well water which (to me) smells like sewage anyway. Just thinking about this is making me throw up a little in the back of my throat, so let's move on from here. My children and flushing. Or NOT flushing. Every time we enter one of the FOUR bathrooms, we are greeted with the foul stench of stagnant pee. Nice, I know, but it is getting to be an issue. Whenever I mention this to them--ANY of them, I get similar responses: "WHAT?! Geesh--the toilet is clogged..." or "I KNOOOOOOOWWWWW---I AAAAAMMMMMMM, but the toilet is clogged" and "But Momma, I can't fwlush da toiwlet because it is awelll cwlogged up," and they are correct--our toilets DO seem to clog pretty easily, but recently I have realized that nine times out of ten the toilet is NOT clogged and my children just ASSUME it is clogged for some reason--maybe pure laziness and lack of desire to flush? I don't know, but when I tell them to "...just try..." to flush, they always meet with success. Until the time they don't, in which case they will be scarred from flushing for life. That is a chance I am willing to take to have empty toilets and a fresh smelling house again. I'm pretty sure that all of this is because I arrogantly watched as other people's children did things like throw their dirty toilet paper in the garbage (Addie does that sometimes now because she is afraid it will clog the toilet. That she DOESN'T flush) as I silently judged and thought, "Why does that even make SENSE to throw poopy toilet paper in the GARBAGE?! MY kids never did THAT! How DISGUSTING!" And I gave my BEST sing-song-teacher voice to those children who wouldn't flush and wash when they were at my house, all the while thinking, "Don't THOSE parents ask THEIR children to flush and wash at home? What is WRONG with them?!" As if ANYONE is happy with the result of an unflushed toilet. I'm pretty sure other parents aren't out there going, "Hey, after you do your business in the bathroom, just leave it there to fester and rot. Then maybe we will have guests over and they can reap the benefits of it. What would be even BETTER would be if you would do the same when you go to other people's houses--but don't stop there. I also want you to throw the dirty toilet paper into their garbage so that their mom can get a surprise when she goes in to flush your mess down the toilet. "Atta boy...!" Like everything else in this hellblessing job of parenting, we can teach them and tell them anything we want to, but they ultimately do what they want when they want until one day, they are flushing the toilet and washing their hands without you busting a vein in your forehead to get them to do so. Oh--and today is Gym: 1, Me:2. I kept my kids home today because of our flooded driveway. Maybe I'll tell you about THAT tomorrow...