When I'm eighty-five

My grandfather turned eighty FIVE this week. EIGHTY-FREAKIN-FIVE. He is EIGHTY-FIVE (in case you didn't get that yet) and people STILL give him crap. Maybe not actually TO him, but the crap is definitely there. "He never calls ME--I ALWAYS have to call HIM..." "EVERY time I talk to him, he RUSHES me off the phone--it's like he doesn't even want to TALK to me!" "He NEVER visits and it seems like he doesn't even want ME to visit..." We are ALL guilty of these complaints--I used to take everything personally, too--until I realized that it has very little to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that he is EIGHTY-FIVE (or eighty-four, eighty three...I'm willing to take it back to the sixties if you need me to...)! If I am lucky enough to live to be FIFTY (let alone EIGHTY-FIVE!), I am going to be EVERYONE'S worst nightmare. And I am NOT joking.

First of all, I will NEVER call anyone again--EVER. If anyone feels the need to talk to me, THEY can call me and even then I will limit the time. Like I really want to spend my "golden" years on the damn telephone. This is coming from a person who spent the better part of the eighties ON the telephone, so imagine a person who has NEVER liked the telephone EVER. Do you really think he is going to want to waste ANY of his time listening to someone blather on about some stupid computer-story-blog thing she is working on or the fact that her youngest poops on the potty? Not to mention fighting for "ear" time with one, three, FIVE...insistent children? I don't have the patience for that at THIRTY-FREAKIN...something, I can't imagine how LITTLE I will want to tolerate it over forty years from now...I seriously SHUDDER...

When I am NOT talking to anyone, I will stay at home and wait for people to come to ME--to see how I am and to do what they can to make my world better. ESPECIALLY my children and they had BETTER damn well train their children to do the same. Don't get me wrong--I will TRY to remember to be a kind, caring, doting grandparent and I will TRY to remember how hard it was to raise my children with no family to help, but I IMAGINE that I will think, "My work here is MORE THAN done--NOW it is time for ME. Remember that span of eight years when you NEVER let me sleep? Or when you would REFUSE to flush the toilet--EVER--so that our house smelled like urine and...well...NOT pleasant) for weeks at a time? YOU owe ME now, people, and I am cashing in, BIG TIME.

Of course, there is no way to absolutely know how this story will go--I MAY spend my life not really caring either way--I DO see that as a possibility. I already get annoyed with people and I've barely broken forty. You see, it annoys me that people want  to make EVERYTHING into drama and make EVERYTHING about themselves. "YOU haven't called me" instead of "YOU... must be busy." "YOU don't even care about me" instead of "YOU...must have a lot on your mind." The thing is, people refuse to realize how LITTLE they are thought about and how other people's choices do not have ANYTHING to do with them. I know--I'm not making any sense right now, but try to stay with me. If I don't call YOU, it has VERY LITTLE to do with you. In fact, I may not even be thinking of YOU at all. Sorry. You may not have even crossed my mind. It's the truth. These days, the only thing on my mind is sleep and...well...making sure that my children grow up to be people who other people want to be around on a daily basis. That in itself CONSUMES me and I am sure it will for decades. If you are not helping or hindering that process, it's pretty much a given that I am not thinking of you. Sorry--it sounds so rude, but you KNOW you have similar feelings about me and I am TOTALLY okay with it. Why WOULD you be thinking of me? Why WOULD you take the time to DELIBERATELY NOT call me? If that is an issue, then I REALLY shouldn't be on your brain at all.

Which brings me back to my Papa who is EIGHTY FIVE. Do I really believe that every time I am not talking to him he is thinking, "HA! Well, I'M not going to call HER!  And if she CALLS...well, I'm going to make THAT a short conversation..."?  How VAIN am I?! Well, let me tell you, I am done with all of THAT energy-sucking behavior and I am also done tolerating it. I'm serious--when I am--OLDER--I will be such a mess. I will NOT. CARE. ABOUT. ANYTHING. Chin hair? Embrace it. Flatulence in public? As long as it makes me feel better. Thirds on dessert? You'd better damn well BELIEVE it. I may give up real meals completely and JUST eat dessert. BECAUSE I AM EIGHY-FREAKIN-FIVE.  If you think THIS is bad, you don't even want to KNOW about NINETY...