Monday, March 19, 2012

Fancy salads and relinquishing control

So let me tell you about last Tuesday. And Wednesday. But mostly, Tuesday.

My friend, Melissa just started a new job. She is a little overwhelmed, as she has been home with her four children for the last...five years? Six? I'm not sure, though I probably SHOULD be. Sure that is. Anyway, this new job (although it sounds AHMAZINNNG to me) is really taking its toll on her. You see, she only needs to work five days a month, but those five days are (usually) spent travelling. She will eventually be earning enough money doing this that I am sure it will be worth it to her. I know--I shouldn't speak for someone else. My husband would hate the job (though he would LOVE the hours and the pay!) because he hates to travel. I don't believe it when people tell me that they don't like to travel, but he has stood by this for thirteen years now...maybe there is SOME truth to it. Anyway, it is really hard for Melissa to relinquish control over the home--something I COMPLETELY understand. As a stay at home parent, your job BECOMES you. You have a way of doing things [what you consider to be] the RIGHT way and another person cannot simply step in and make your world happen. There is a routine. Rules must be followed. 

I know for me, I was extremely threatened when my husband stepped up to the plate and was able to do...well, EVERYTHING without any major disasters and with everyone still standing at the end of the day. Whenever I was too sick to do the daily routine, my husband would take over and would do things...HIS way and would seemingly complete everything with ease, which drove me out of my mind. It made me feel like the world would be just fine without me and what a CRUMMY feeling that is. I know--this sounds so selfish, but be honest with yourself for like a second and tell me that you don't long to feel needed--at least to SOME degree in your life. See? It sucks, right?

Just a few weeks ago I was having a bad day and I asked my husband to make the salad for dinner. Who knew that my husband (whose main only dishes are french toast and macandcheeseandhotdogs (yes--all together JUST like that)) would go all Gordon Ramsey on the salad chopping and fluffing and peeling...

I need you to know something. When I "make" a salad, I wash the veggies and MAYBE slice them--MAYBE. I leave the peels on pretty much EVERYTHING because A. The peels are generally the healthiest part and 2. I am DAMN lazy tired. Gordon Ramsey My husband not only peeled things, he sliced wagon wheel cucumbers and radish flowers. I can't work with this. I wish I could explain to you the level of disgust I felt for my husband when I looked at his...masterpiece. No, I was not ecstatic that he significantly helped me get a healthy meal together for our family. I was not thanking him profusely. Instead, I was stewing over the fact that he had made a "fancy salad," and I kept mentioning his, "FAAANCY salad" like he had stolen the last morsel of food out of my baby's mouth. "Look at you with your FAAANCY salad...I don't ever make FAANCY salads..." I was like a little bully--NOT an endearing quality I have to say.

A few days later, I was going out with some friends. Yes, I KNOW that I should have spent my time being happy and grateful that I was able to go out with friends, but he did it AGAIN. I had dinner all ready for everyone, but my husband felt the need to make ANOTHER fancy salad. I cannot explain to you how upset this made me. I am not proud, but I became ENRAGED over that stupid salad. All I kept thinking was that he had to go and make a fancy salad to show that he could make a salad better than I could. REALLY?!  As I am typing this I cannot get over how RIDICULOUS it sounds. But aren't we ALL that ridiculous sometimes? The more I got in my own head, the angrier I became. My husbands blatant disregard  innocent ignorance of my irrationality just made me more irrational. I  had to tell the story OUT LOUD so that I could hear myself and finally laugh at the absurdity of it all. It gave us something to laugh at that night. The next day I told my husband about it and he had NO CLUE (duh!) that I was even upset!

I know this started with Melissa and she is not a lunatic as crazy as I am when it comes to how she "runs" things at home. Like any stay at home parent, she  became invested in her children's daily routine and feels a lack of...control now that (at least for five days a month) she has to relinquish that control and adapt to a new identity. We have all been there to some degree, even if it is only with someone offering to help. "This is how I do it..."   'Thanks, but they are used to ME and the way that I do things..."  We are truly worried that if we relinquish control our entire identity will spin out of our hands. First it's cartoons before breakfast, next it's dropping out of high school. We are so afraid of something horrible happening when we aren't there to protect our children, but we are also afraid that NOTHING horrible will happen. That the routine we spent YEARS fine tuning and adapting to our family's needs is completely unnecessary and the family will function without it.

THIS is quite a tangent! I was GOING to tell you about the madness that prompted my I'm Leaving Tom post, but I clearly needed some catharsis and there seems to be a shortage of therapists in Jersey. Perhaps Tuesday's story will be better told...well...on Tuesday. I think I want a salad. A fancy salad--with wagon wheels and radish flowers. No peels. And I will make it MYSELF...

What are some ways YOU relinquish control OR refuse to relinquish control?

8 comments:

  1. I totally get you!!! Mine is the laundry. As much as I HATE it, I hate it even more when things are folded to my specifications. There are some things that are just better left to the master :0

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    1. Isn't it funny how we have our...things...that make us crazy?! I laughed when I read your comment because there are so many things that I HATE to do (like pretty much anything that doesn't involve drinking or eating or laughing...), yet I want to KILL someone when it is done for me! Even if--no--ESPECIALLY if it is done BETTER than when I do it! Did you follow this, because I am confusing myself...:o)

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  2. I get it!! :-) we all do it! And that driven need to provide what we percieve as priorities, boundaries, and foundations for our families IS what keeps them flowing "smoothly". A mothers passion is unmatched. One thing I would think (and knowing my big mouth would have pointed out) is how long has the hubby been watching the master at work? Lol he prob learned from you and he's not the one run down to a person that is fueled by caffeine, nicotine (filthy habit i know...) And the evenings wine by the pressures of running a household...I know how to make the FAAANCY salad and I'd bet u do as well, but at the end of the day I'm greatful the salad made it into lil tummies and not my potted plants (sneaky 4 year old, i still have mixed feelings about teaching her what composting is) and (for yoday at least) I'm okay with that :-)

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    1. Thank you for that! It's all how you choose to look at it I guess, so thanks to you I will now choose to look at it like HE learned from the MASTER and is choosing to cut corners for fear of measuring up to me! That's what you meant, right? Because THAT is what I am going with...! And GOOD FOR YOU for even CONTEMPLATING teaching your sweet-but-sneaky-child about composting! Someone should teach ME...:o)

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    2. We are the masters! many a guy friend had said they are only trying to measure up to their mothers, in regards to raising their children (and we all know men marry their mothers;-) and thank their mamas for raising men honest enough to admit it, as far as my daughter is concerned she keeps me on my toes by finding ways to push boundaries in new and innovative ways everyday!!! And for all the headache she causes I know ive got a strong woman in the making so i roll with it;-)

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    3. It is so funny because I never thought I was like his mother OR my mother and as time goes on I see how similar we all are. Also, I realize that mothers in general are all the same--we just want our children to be safe and to grow up to not be idiots! Isn't it crazy how our children are able to sense weakness and leap on it?! Good for you for being able to look into the future and for being able to "roll with it!" I get trapped in the here and now--I need to remind myself that the characteristics that drive me crazy now are going to be the things I love about them later!

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  3. As always, Nika, another great and honest post! We all feel like that, especially women, as we tend to be quite terratorial over our families. I am not married, so don't know the wife/mother stuff, but at my job I am a PA/ Secretary and my job is to look after a team. I love my team. They are like my family, and when another PA or secretary starts 'taking care' of my team when I am off sick or on holiday, I get irrationally angry and (yes) jealous. I also get the thoughts of inadequacy and rage and feeling like they don't care about me etc... completely irrational, but they are my feelings.

    As for your hubby, poor guy is probabaly trying his darndest to impress you ... if only he knew:)

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    1. Thanks for the kind words! I think that if we can admit that our feelings are irrational, that prevents us from getting too crazy, right?! Plus, when words are said out loud, they kind of lose the power that they had when they were making our heads explode! As for my husband, he has the (mis)fortune of hearing EVERYTHING, just not at the right times! So I will be a lunatic for days and when I start to go over the edge, I usually explode and tell him everything! On the occasion that I don't, it's not pretty...
      Of course, I never looked at it like he is trying to impress me--instead I feel like he is trying to show me up. I like your way better--it is much more positive to think he is trying to impress me and to think that I am worried about impressing him...whew...I am exhausting, aren't I?!:o)

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