Wednesday, October 19, 2011

A hundred dead bodies simply aren't enough [dead bodies]

There are a hundred dead bodies in my kitchen. They are splattered around the walls like a Trading Spaces episode gone wrong. Personally, I would rather have some freak of nature PAINT MY WHITE CARPET RED (WHAT?! It REALLY happened--back before having children destroyed my hang-around-in-my-PJs- (I was going to say UNDERWEAR, but I want you to be able to sleep tonight) and-watch-random- television-shows-days) than have a hundred dead bodies covering my walls. Just sayin'...

I finally snapped on Monday night. I couldn't take it anymore. The last time I felt this way it was about the floor in my house in Montana THREE years ago and there were no dead bodies. Thankfully, though my husband and children were pushing it. That particular time, I was scraping hardened oatmeal off of the floor for the ELEVENTH time that week (it was Tuesday) when some poor child had the misfortune of being THE ONE who dropped frozen (yet defrosted enough to REALLY do the job) blueberries. On my head. And on the floor. That I had JUST cleaned and washed. On my hands and knees. With my freshly showered hands. Yes--I took a SHOWER that day. THAT was definitely the straw.

Anyone who met me after January 17th 2009, knew a person who NEVER washed her floor. EVER. Everyone who knew me BEFORE that date knew a person who RARELY washed her floor. BIG DIFFERENCE. People would come to my house and try to take their shoes off and I would accost them at the front door noting,
"My floors are far dirtier than your shoes could EVER be and you will probably leave here with peanut butter and chili on your sock."
"You made chili?"
"Two weeks ago...and I don't want to TALK about the peanut butter."

This was my way of dealing with THAT breakdown. That was BEFORE little gnats (or fruit flys) invaded my home. I don't believe those bugs (and they are called "BUGS" for a REASON!) exist in Montana. *SIGH* Montana...(cue soft music for my brief reverie...thank you). Who would have thought that a place I referred to as "MonFREAKINtana" before we lived there would be so close to my heart. I love Montana. FRUIT-FLYLESS, GANGLESS, ROAD RAGE-LESS, Corwinless, Montana. But I digress...again. I KNOW what I was talking about because a little gnat is CRAWLING ON MY SCREEN and when I smash his little face in, I'm not sure if my husband will be pleased that I can no longer use the computer, or ticked that HE can no longer use the computer.

I decided to wait it out with the gnat. He's looking at me and I at him, but no one is making the move. The thing is, I will be able to "visit" him later with my (now broken) hot pink swatter that took care of hundreds of his little buddies. And my glass cabinet. And a vase from my mother. And almost my middle child. Yes, sacrifices had to be made, but don't judge. On Monday night I went all Norman Bates on their...wings? and slashed through  my kitchen like Freddie Krueger on Elm street. Yes, I am aware that most of you weren't even IN THE WOMB when either movie came out, but EDUCATE yourselves, people. Watch a little "Remember the eighties (seventies, nineties...)" on VH1 (YES, it IS a channel) and come play when you are done. You won't be disappointed.

So now I have black-spotted crown molding and little black splatters all over my ceiling. My cupboards (the ones that did not break in the attack) have a faux-bug-polka-dot finish. When I get going with my (now broken) (yes, I know I told you, but I'm really annoyed that a gnat the size of a sliver (and equally as painful) was able to split my swatter in half at the top. NO--I DON'T THINK I HAVE RAGE ISSUES--THANK YOU.) hot pink fly swatter, no one is safe. I heard my husband say to my children, 'Mommy's gone to the bad place again," and knew he was right. Though I AM winning the fight and will not go down until every last gnat-fruit-fly-bug is splattered somewhere in my house. Even if it's under the dried oatmeal and blueberries.


  1. Insects must just be out for our family Nika. We have a sickening ladybug problem. They come in winter, they come in summer, and they are even worse in the spring. They live in our walls, they live in our WHOLE house. They must enjoy the chipmunks, squirrels, and now the unusually large animal my mother claims runs across the upstairs floor. I'll wake up to find ladybugs biting didn't think they could bite? These ones do. They leave nasty bumps all over and just multiply like bacteria. I feel you're pain.

    As for the floor, don't worry we don't clean ours either. With 6 dogs, 4 cows, 90467598076 baby chicks, my dad, and everything else its impossible. Its a family thing. I think the only one who really cared was my grandmother. Her house was always clean and organized, but well...ya know.

  2. HA! I love that you snuck your dad into the mix--SOOO funny! I can't believe they BITE! You are definitely more patient than I am! As for the "messy" factor, I always said that your mom and I were on the same "branch" of the tree. Your grandmother and Johanna were definitely on Nonnie's branch...I only wish I could share some of the qualities that came on that branch!

  3. we have a gnat problem as well. Get a small bowl, pour in apple cider vinegar and place several drops of dish detergent in it. The scent of the vinegar attracts the gnats, but when they fly in they die from the dish detergent. We had about 15 dead ones in 20 minutes of having it out. It works perfectly and saves you the headache of trying to kill them with a swatter :)

  4. Thanks, Lenae! I have the vinegar and dish soap out, but we only caught a few. I think my gnats are trying to outsmart me--and succeeding! of course, they aren't as bad as they were when I wrote this, so THAT'S good news. i'll leave the vinegar/soap mixture out anyway...just in case! I wonder if I didn't put in enough detergent...maybe they are floating around having a gay old time and then FLYING AWAY...those little bast@$!s! I'm going to add more detergent now. Thanks!


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