Tuesday, October 11, 2011

How trashy ARE we?!


There's a toaster oven in my front yard. It's been there since Sunday. Today is TUESDAY. Yes, I am master of the obvious.

[NEW PARAGRAPH--See--I can learn!]

Where was I? Oh yeah--Tuesday. Toaster Oven. Here's the thing--most human beings don't store their household appliances in their front yards (driveway to be exact). Of course, non-human beings don't HAVE household appliances (or HOUSES for that matter) to store ANYWHERE, but that's a conversation for a later date. OUR toaster oven is in the front yard because on Sunday morning, it fought back.

The T.O. (that's what I'm calling it, though probably not consistently--fair warning!) is not even a year old--my son bought it for me for Christmas last year (or, my son made my husband buy it for me...you get it) and he was SOOOO pleased with himself. The toaster we were using burnt everything and looked like it would blow up at any time. It only "popped" when it felt like it, and then it would only do it when we least expected it to. THEN it would shoot the bread out at us like a soldier combatting enemy fire. That toaster needed to be put down for good. It never spent any time in the front yard.

The thing is, I don't particularly LIKE toaster ovens. If I want to toast my toast in an oven, I'll use THE OVEN. My son, however, was so very proud of his purchase--there was (and IS) no way I was going to tell him that I didn't absolutely LOVE it. I don't really use it too often. Half the time we have things piled on top of it (which never seems to phase my husband who goes right on toasting with the papers on top waiting to catch fire) and it is under the cabinets which are just DYING to go down in flames. I've even cleaned it a few times (which I can't really say about the demon toaster we '"let go" last year). Which leads me to WHY it is in the front yard.

On Sunday morning I decided to use the T.O. I took everything off the top, cleared the counters around it, put the bread in and turned the button to the "toast the toast" picture. I was in the middle of a psychotic episode over how many people were following my blog, so when the beeper went off, I thought I would just leave it and warm it up if I needed to when I finished "blogging." That IS what I'm doing, right? Blogging? We'll get into "tweeting" another day. Anyway, seconds later, the smoke detector "detected" a problem and when I ran to see, the T.O. was ON FIRE. I called to my husband who was frantically opening and closing the door to get the smoke out (he just assumed I had burnt another meal). I didn't panic, which kind of worried me--I mean, wouldn't you panic if there was a fire in front of you?  I simply watched the toast melt in the flames that engulfed the inside of the oven and calmly asked, "Well, what should we do?" The answer? Unplug it and take it out to the front yard where it will sit until...?

I feel like we put the T.O. in time out (HA-T.O. in T.O. get it? I need a life!) because it was naughty. It did after all try to KILL us. The last toaster went right to the garbage and that was it, but this one is forced to face the shame of sitting in the driveway where all of the neighbors can see how BAD it was. Either that, or I have to face the fact that we are now white trash and the inside of our house is now throwing up on the outside of our house. WE are the people who just don't get around to picking up ANYTHING around our house--the people who make homeowner's associations crawl into the fetal position and rock back and forth. Some of you may have even BEEN in our homeowner's association, so YOU know. I'd much prefer to think that we haven't yet come up with an appropriate punishment for our T.O. and when we do...we'll probably bring it to the BACK yard. It will blend in with the broken grill and deflated pool toys. At least then there won't be a toaster in my front yard.

16 comments:

  1. So my husband stops home for lunch today and I made him read this entry. He says nothing, leaves the house and I hear, "Bad Toaster!" from the driveway.

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  2. Oh, it WILL be, Martha. It will be...Mwahahahaha!

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  3. Don't make it stay out front by itself for too long...sounds like the grill and pool toys are aching for a good backyard party!

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  4. Haha! I'm sure if I ever got my act together (and perhaps got off of the computer for five minutes!) I could find THOUSANDS of friends to join all of them in the back yard...I feel another rant coming on...

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  5. Thank you for that last paragraph! I really needed the laugh today! From a dadof3, I look forward to more! I hope all is well with you.

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  6. OMG...this is so funny! Thanks for this post! I so needed a good laugh. My 4 year old is asking me what's so funny mommy? .....I love your Blog!

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  7. Thank you so much, Jeff and Amy--you made me beam and I haven't been able to successfully use that word since I was like, ten and the boy I had a crush on looked in my general direction! I always wonder if it's REALLY funny, or if I just THINK it's funny! At least now I know that others are laughing--at me, with me...it's all fine. Also, my three came home from school and wanted to hear what I wrote (I also "write" children's books for them, so they are used to me reading to them from the computer) so I read it to them--forgetting that I would have to leave out so much about my son's pick. I almost slipped and was going to just let him read it himself. As if he isn't going to have ENOUGH reasons to go to therapy...

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  8. Hey, it's Halloween! Your front yard is dressed up as a kitchenette. Throw a bowl and and old chair out there to complete the look :) ~Andrea

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  9. Such a good thought--you should incorporate the toaster into your Halloween decorations (put some devil's horns on it, perhaps?)!

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  10. Naughty toaster oven indeed! Sadly you may become known as the TO people but that's probably better than the sofa people. I don't know? Makes you wonder when you drive by a house with a sofa outside or a freezer etc. what they did to end up in time out. Following along from the Thursday Hop hope you'll pop by and follow along with us.

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  11. hey thanks for the visit. I was looking to follow you but you are not on GFC and I'm not on Networked Blogs :(
    http://beautysecrets-reviewed.com/

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  12. That was the best toaster oven post - ever! ;)

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  13. Thanks,Jessica! Sadly there are more toaster oven posts than one would expect--but most are from ME! And Cheryl--when the sofa mhits the driveway, we are DEFINITELY out of here!

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  14. I think I peed my pants.... I have tears running down my face! This is so funny! One time I set a pan on fire making eggs I calmly looked at it and then walked it outside and hucked it across the yard where it stayed for a few weeks until I waasnt mad anymore lol...

    Thanks for coming over to mommy2nanny3doggy1.com

    I'm sorry it took so long to come visit you! I have been sick :(

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  15. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I can TOTALLY see myself having a similar incident with a frying pan! It is so refreshing to know that I'm not the only one with these crazy stories!

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