Oh, Gluten--why do I love you so?

It turns out I am IN LOVE with GLUTEN. I know that EVERYONE has a gluten allergy or intolerance these days, but for the love of all that is good and tasty in this world, could we AT LEAST get a yummy substitution? I KNOW we had delicious foods when I was younger (and when my mother was younger, and when HER mother was younger...) and we NEVER had a problem with gluten. So what's the deal?

I decided a few weeks ago to give up gluten and dairy. It really wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but after a good month of it, I stopped. Well, I stopped purposefully giving it up--I allowed myself the occasional glass of milk and yogurt and devoured a ridiculous amount of my friend's chocolate cake that she kindly brought over to my our house for me us to sample. You have NEVER eaten a chocolate cake as delicious as this one--I PROMISE you. And I am QUITE certain that there was MORE gluten in THAT cake than I ever want to know about--EVER. And that gluten was DAMN good.

So after my face-off with that chocolate slice of heaven, I continued to live my life gluten (ish) free and didn't have a problem. Spaghetti squash for pasta (I started doing this in Montana and LOVE it!) and quinoa and almond flour for pancakes. I use agave nectar and honey for sweetening things. Yesterday I got cocky. Way. TOO. Cocky.

You see, I thought that since the pancakes were so yummy, surely I could make muffins or bread that would be just as good. The key would be to make something that I could grab and go, but homemade (because I am also avoiding processed foods). Something that is FULL of protein, good fats and essential vitamins, that can be used as a meal on the go. I decided to make gluten-free zucchini bread. I'm not sure exactly where I went wrong, but it could have happened at any time during the making of this anti-gluten disaster.

I was so excited for this yummy treat--I never doubted for a SECOND that it wouldn't be delicious. As I was mixing my dry ingredients, I decided to add some ground up flax seed to the mix. Flax seed is ALWAYS a good thing to have in your food (right?)--and I never usually even TASTE it in my meals. Next, I thought I would add some spinach. Now I know this is making some of you gag, but I swear to you that you can put spinach in pretty much EVERYTHING and not taste it. REALLY. I also decided to add extra zucchini and some leftover smoothie (bananas, berries, peaches, kale, spinach) from the freezer. What is making me seriously laugh right now is the fact that so many of you are gagging and thinking, "Really? You put all of THAT into it and you are blaming the lack of GLUTEN?!" to which I would have to reply, "Yes."

When I bit into the bread (that SMELLED delicious) I almost immediately vomited. In fact, twenty minutes AFTER I took that bite I told my husband that the bread could be used to induce vomiting if anyone in the house swallows poison. Poison OTHER than the bread that is. If the consistency of the bread wasn't the worst part, the lack of sweetness was. Who knew that agave nectar and honey would have such a minute affect on the taste. Couple that with the grainy consistency due to lack of flour and it is a nightmare. One I DO NOT want to have again.

When your next recipe calls for two cups of flour and two cups of sugar, embrace it. Throw in some chocolate chips and enjoy every morsel--you never know when the gluten will be sucked out of your life and the baked goods will be nothing but a distant memory. Do you love gluten as much as I do?

I WANT a dog...NOW.

I want a dog. I mean I REALLY want a dog. I used to NOT want a dog. At all. I remember when I first lost my desire to have canine company. I was sitting in my sun room in Virginia anticipating (or dreading...depending on what version of the story I'm telling and what mood I'm in that day!") the arrival of my second child (Ryan. The girl. Just thought I should clarify.). Until this point in my life, I desperately wanted a dog. A Golden retriever named Molson or Murphy or a red one named Killian or something equally as cool and "suburban" as those. I was looking in the pet section of the paper (yes, I know there is a better name for it, but I don't feel like thinking about that right now) thinking that a mutt would be fine...it just needed to be retriever-esque or lab-ish. Brayden (18 months at the time) was sleeping and I SHOULD have been [sleeping].

 I nodded off for a second and awoke with a sudden fear and panic. "I DON'T WANT A DOG!" I yelled to no one. "WHAT WAS I THINKING?!" I called my husband at work."I DON'T WANT A DOG!" I yelled in his ear. "Ummm...oookaaaayyyy...?" He responded. "I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF A DOOOOG!" I continued. "Ummm...oookaaayyyy..." he said again. "I CAN'T EVEN TAKE CARE OF MY CHILD OR MYSELF OR THE NEW BABY..." My panic was getting the better of me. "Okay...wait a second. First of all--we don't have a dog. We were never going to GET a dog. You CAN take care of your babies--you are doing it right now and you don't HAVE to be able to take care of a dog because we aren't getting one. EVER." After the first pregnancy, he knew how to address my hysteria, so I calmed down a bit. The problem is with that EVER comment. The problem IS, now I WANT a dog. And our circumstances are worse (though the hysteria has subsided).

Brayden is severely allergic to dogs. And cats. And eggs. And some nuts. AND [MOST of the time) any orders from ME. My only concern for the intents and purposes of this post is really with dogs. He gets slight asthma and serious excema when he makes contact. with certain dogs. Some dogs are worse than others for some reason that I could probably learn about if I would just look it up, but I am far too lazy to do that. I think Ryan may be slightly allergic as well because when we are around certain dogs she gets hives on her face that are similar to what happens with Brayden and his excema. Addison...well, Addison is a completely different story and I blame her for my desire to have a dog.
When they were younger, both Ryan and Brayden had an appropriate fear of dogs. I say appropriate, because they didn't freak out when a dog came near them; they were hesitant to approach and were taught to put their hands out for dogs to smell and to ask permission before touching. I KNOW--they actually LISTENED to something I said! I need to write this DOWN! Oh yeah...I AM. Anyway...the "fear" was more hesitation when meeting a dog for the first time or even the second or third. Addison, however, never had appropriate fear or any fear of dogs for that matter. When she was still crawling, an extremely large dog jumped on her and we all stopped breathing for a moment while she decided on a response. A collective sigh passed through the room when she began giggling and playing with the dog instead of shrieking and crying like we assumed would happen. Since that time, I have seen her natural love of dogs grow. Wherever we go, Addison is first drawn to the dogs. In fact, our very dear friends from Montana (who completely spoil Addison) have dogs and Addison talks about the dogs more than she talks about the actual PEOPLE. Their dog, Maya is a weiner dog (and quite possibly the best dog I know--sorry everyone else!) and is quite literally Addison's best friend. For ten months, Addison would talk about how much she missed Maya. I would mention the names of people and she would say, "Ohhhh, yes--I do miss dem too--but I reawlly miss MAYA!"
Every time we talk about their family visiting, Addison jumps up and down, claps and says, "YAY! I git to see MAYA!" "What about Miss Natalie (another dog person and Addison's favorite person), Addison?" "Ummmm--YES. AND I GIT TO SEE MAYA!" It's the same with any person we mention. Addie would rather spend her time with dogs.
SO (am I boring you, 'cause I think I'm boring ME!), Addison was the first reason why I decided I wanted a dog. I hope I didn't lose you...it's going to get interesting...NOW.

At the end of summer I met a high school friend at a mall near us. We were early, so we decided to bring the kids into the pet store (which is usually safe because I have NO DESIRE to take care of or clean up after ANYTHING else!) to see the animals. The nine-year-old at the register (yes, I believe they allow CHILDREN to work in these stores. The boy did not even hit puberty yet--he COULDN'T have--and I refuse to believe that it isn't that HE is young...it's that I am OLD...) was holding a rust-colored Pomeranian (I'm not sure if that is how it is spelled and yes, I know that I could have an answer in seconds, but this story is already taking SO LONG to tell...) and suddenly I was holding it. This pup burrowed his nose into my neck, gave me a not-too-wet kiss and snuggled back down again. It was like I was carrying the BEST baby EVER. I LOVED that dog. It was months ago and I still feel the love for a dog I spent minutes (Okay, to be honest, I wouldn't let him go for at least a half hour!) with in the pet store. It was so hard to release him (and I say "release" because I'm pretty sure I had the death grip on him)--until I saw the sign that said he was 1500 DOLLARS--he'd better poop gold for that price! Who am I kidding? I don't want him to poop ANYTHING for that price! Not only should he not poop, he should clean, do laundry... Of course if my husband didn't A. Hate to spend money and B. think he did not want a dog, I may have been convinced to spend that on this amazing dog. You only need one kidney, right?) I know I promised you interesting, but it's a story about wanting a dog. Did you REALLY think it was going to get better? Maybe NOW...

When we got home, I decided that we need to get a dog. Addison needs a dog, and so do I. Dogs love you and cuddle with you when you need them. Dogs don't touch you when you don't want to be touched. Dogs don't whine, "Momomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomom" when you don't listen to them the first time and they don't poke you when they want something. Dogs don't follow you around and yell at you and others when you try to have a telephone conversation and they DON'T push the keys on the computer when you try to type. Most of all, you can correct a dog's behavior without it acting like you've beaten him with a stick and are the worst person on the planet. I NEED a dog. I researched different types of hypoallergenic dogs and wanted to get one immediately. It turns out, it's pretty hard to figure out this "hypoallergenic" thing. My husband will never go for paying for a dog (aside from the $75 shot fee at the SPCA) and I don't know how easy it will be to find a hypoallergenic mutt who is mild-mannered, won't poop or pee in the house and won't bite or eat anything he isn't supposed to [eat or bite]. I am, however, on a mission, and I CAN'T WAIT to be able to write about my new friend! I'll keep you "posted..." (Bad puns are kind of my thing--sorry!)