Proof that at least THEY sleep...

I've been Punk'd--I'm CERTAIN of it...I think...

Sometimes I think I must be getting Punk'd. I look around and try to locate Ashton Kutcher in my closet or under the bed because there is NO WAY that these things happen naturally. Take our sleepless nights for instance. I am NOT exaggerating when I explain the pattern of events at our home(s) for the last few years.

Night number one (in the cycle):

Light knock. A little louder. An all out BANG...

"Momma?  Momma! I'm ascawewrt!"
"Who are you--Brayden? Ryan? Addison? You're fine--go back to bed!"
"Nooooo. I'ma not fine...I'm ascawert! I haddabad dwreyeam!"
Sigh.  Pause.  fall back to sleep for what feels like hours until I hear:
"MOMMA! I wan toseepif YOU! I don WANNA seep in MY bed!"

Now, this is where the story changes depending on the day. Day number one usually consists of me getting up and carrying her to her bed and staying there for an hour or two until she releases the death grip she has on my arm. I then spend the next hour or two trying to fall back to sleep which only happens five minutes before the cacophony of alarms informs my husband (and everyone in the tristate area) that  he must wake up and start the day. THIS is when my real sleep finally begins--when my husband is in the shower and I am  supposed to be getting myself and my children ready to start OUR day. Only I'm not READY to start ANYTHING that doesn't include me snoring.

By this time, Ryan is up and rattling the door. Rattle, rattle, rattle.  Scratch, scratch, scratch. Rattle. Rattle rattle. Five minute pause. Rattle, rattle, rattle. Pause. RATTLE, RATTLE...you get the point. The good news is, I get a good two to three minutes of sleep in between rattles and scratches. YAAAAYY...nope--I can't even feel it for the sake of the story.

Anyway, night number two:
"MOMMMMMMMMYYYYYY!"  "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMYYYY!"
"MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOM--"
"For all that is good and green on this earth, WHAT?!" If you didn't get it, the child screams at the top of his lungs until I get there. Sometimes it's Brayden, but sometimes it is Ryan. It's ALWAYS on the second night.
"I had a nightmare."
"Again? I'm sorry honey, but you seem to have nightmares all the time. Do you want to talk about it? Did you dream that you were peacefully sleeping until someone screamed like a crazy-person and woke you? THAT'S a nightmare..."
"NO! I dreamed that I had bad thoughts."
"Bad thoughts about WHAT?"
"Nothing. A nightmare about bad thoughts."
"I don't know what that means. Think about happy things and get some sleep or you aren't going to feel well tomorrow."
"I want to sleep in YOUR room. MY room is scary."
"Your room is fine--you just had a bad dream. I'll cuddle with you and rub your back until you fall asleep."

Depending upon the day, this conversation can go in circles for up to two hours. On a particularly good day, we don't even talk about it, I just immediately climb into bed and sing a song or rub backs. On a particularly bad day we go back and forth for hours and the child finally ends up in bed with us--kicking me in the kidney the rest of the night.

Night number three--Addie's back. Night number four--Brayden's turn. Ryan is only seen or heard from once every two or three weeks, but she REALLY packs it all into one night, let me tell you.  On the fifth night, it gets interesting. THIS is the night when I hear from EVERYONE. it is usually once an hour and I get up no fewer than five times. FIVE times. How is THAT even possible? By this point in the week I am crying when I hear the knock, scratch or yell. And I am looking for Kutcher.

If I am lucky enough to get a night without children screaming me awake, my husband usually steps up to the plate with his incessant--I mean--endearing-- snoring. OR I am lucky enough to get a pounding and debilitating migraine. Yaaaayyyyy me.

I just don't understand WHY this is happening. Ashton Kutcher usually shows up when the victim is nearing the end of  her rope and could very well lose his mind. SOOOO...where IS he? Kutcher? KUUUUTCHHHERRR...I'm ready to talk about how very SILLY all of this is now. Hahahaha! VERY FUNNY. Joke's on ME! HELLOOOOOOO...?!

Since Kutcher was either A. not brave enough to face me or 2. not really a part of this conspiracy, I suppose I have to deal with it on my own. Only, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHY THIS IS HAPPENING!

Yes, I know that consistency is key in all aspects of raising children and yes, I know that we are VERY inconsistent, but have you seen how little sleep we (I) get?! I am lucky I am still standing most of the time. PLUS, my children are FIVE, SIX and EIGHT. There is NO REASON for them to get up so frequently. I KNOW they are waiting for the day when we let them sleep with us and I KNOW it inevitably does [happen], but...well, I don't know what to do! When I am THAT exhausted, I just want the crazy to stop. I don't want to talk, laugh, rationalize, walk, MOVE...so I give in to the behavior and make things oh-so-much worse!

Sleep on my floor, sleep on your floor, lock the door, open the door, no television before bed, television before bed if you SLEEP all night, no computer or DSI, use all of these things if you JUST SLEEP ALL NIGHT PLEASE! I know we need to stick with one thing on a regular basis, but I am not equipped to do this on little to no sleep. Do OTHER people go through these things? I know it is expected for parents to get up frequently every night with babies at home, but my children are certainly old enough to sleep through the night, right? I know I spoke about my conspiracy theory in http://anothertiredmommy.blogspot.com/2012/01/let-ranting-begin.html , http://anothertiredmommy.blogspot.com/2011/12/children-of-mass-destruction.html , and
http://anothertiredmommy.blogspot.com/2011/10/soveryt-i-r-e-d.html
 and that I have complained about this sleeping thing ad nauseum, but I HAVE to know. I MUST know. It HAS to stop. Kutcher--I'm watching you...

MY Kind of List

I've decided that instead of making a "To Do" list, I am going to make an "I [will] Never" list and am checking off the item if and when I've done it. THIS way I will feel like I am ACTUALLY accomplishing something. 1. I Will Never...allow my children to eat junk food. Check. For breakfast. Check. For all three meals in one day. Check. Check-check. 2. I will NEVER let my children sass-talk me. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's just not even worthy of putting a check by it because it is SO ludicrous! I think they each came out of the WOMB with an attitude! 3. I will never "diet" again. Check. 4. I will NEVER eat another carb again. Bahahahaha! CHECK. 5. I will NEVER NOT eat another carb again.Check. 6. I will NEVER say hurtful things to another human being. Check. 7. I will NEVER say (or WRITE) bad things about my children. Check. 8. I will NEVER say hurtful words to my children. Check. 9. I will NEVER say hurtful things to my husband. Check. 10. I will NEVER say hurtful things about my husband. Check. 11. I will NEVER imagine suffocating my husband with a pillow. Check. (Though I don't think I actually SAID it...it NEVER came up in my thought process and probably NEVER should have...) 12. I will NEVER allow my children to watch shows that aren't educational or beneficial in some way. Check. 13. I will NEVER let my children watch shows that are not meant for their age groups (ie Sponge Bob, iCarly...) Check. 14. I will NEVER use the television as a babysitter. CHECK. 15. I will NEVER give my children candy. Check 16. I will NEVER give my children lollipops. Check. 17. I will never convince myself that the "cherry" in the lollipop counts as fruit. Check. 18. I will NEVER let my children play outside unattended. Check. 19. I will NEVER let my children ride a bike or a scooter without a helmet. Check. 20. I will NEVER judge another mom. Check. 21. I will NEVER become defensive of my parenting because it isn't anyone else's business anyway. Check. 22. I will NEVER spank my child. Check. 23. I will NEVER let my child get away with MURDER because I feel guilty for spanking him. Check. 24. I will NEVER try to pit my children against one another so that I don't have to be the one to discipline them. Check. 25. I will NEVER let my children live like slobs. Check. 26. I will NEVER let my children become spoiled. Check. 27. I will NEVER...let my children have ice cream for dinner, tell my son that he SHOULD run away--I don't blame him, laugh AT my children--not WITH them, use sarcasm with my husband or children--BAHAHAHAHA! Do I not even KNOW myself?! Leave the dishes for more than a night, leave the laundry for more than a night, rewash the same load of laundry more than twice. More than THREE times. More than FOUR times, lose myself in my family, let myself REALLY go, put my health and well-being last, lie to my children, believe ANYTHING my children tell me, leave my children in the bathtub alone--even for a second, a minute, ten minutes,until I hear gurgling from them going under, allow my children to ride in a car without their car seats,let my children chew sugary gum, let my children's schedules dictate my schedule, let my children sleep with me in my bed, let my children sleep with me more than once a week...let my children sleep with me more often than not, spend HOURS on the phone/computer instead of being with my family...I will NEVER be like my MOTHER. CHECK. I feel so accomplished. I've NEVER had so many things checked off of a list. I think I may be on to something...

So...very...T-I-R-E-D...

With a solid two hours, I would be appalled at this post. Luckily, my children won't even give me ONE... I hate them. I do. Not because they don't listen to me. Not because they are nasty to me.Not because if they heard me say hate they would go on for hours about the "bad word" I said and give me a lecture about the fact that "we don't SAY hate." Not even because they ruined my body. I hate them because I LOVE sleep. And with every one of them I lost even more sleep. I haven't slept--REALLY slept--since 2003. I know what you're thinking--"I can't BELIEVE she would EVER say that she hates her children! What a HORRIBLE mother!" Whatever. You know that you would trade your youngest for seven uninterrupted hours without batting an eyelash--you just won't admit it. There are people I have had FULL conversations with in the last eight years that I don't even REMEMBER. The conversation, the PERSON, LEAVING the house...it's all a fog. Granted, I've had some health issues, but don't tell me that a lot of those weren't exacerbated by the fact that I had little to no sleep. When I went undiagnosed for years I would say, "They are probably thinking, 'Yeah--of course she looks and feels like garbage--she has THREE kids!'" Recently I saw a comic on facebook with a woman (looking (sadly) a lot like me sitting on an examination table. The doctor walks in and says, "You've been diagnosed with having children..." I'm pretty sure that no one laughed (or cried!) as hard as I did at THAT one! The thing is, three isn't even that many. People have more, "SEVENTEEN and counting..." (though now I think it's NINETEEN and counting! What do I know? It's probably thirty-three and counting at this point--what does SHE care? She looks well rested. BECAUSE HER CHILDREN ARE RAISING HER CHILDREN...I hate when I judge. I'm just---so---TIRED.) It goes both ways, you know. They hate me, too. If they didn't, would they take turns keeping me up all night? They are almost 5, 6, and 7. There is NO reason why they shouldn't be able to sleep--THROUGH THE NIGHT. IN THEIR OWN BEDS. For AT LEAST seven hours (though I would be HAPPY with five). THEY don't appear to be exhausted. I swear it's a conspiracy. And on the off chance that they DO sleep (which I REALLY don't REMEMBER when THAT was...), my husband chimes in with his incessant snoring. See...? They ALL hate me.