Tuesday: TOO MANY topics to title

     Well, the "meme" thing didn't quite work out as planned. I DO thank those of you who posted for taking the time to share your stories--they made me laugh and really made my day! I'm pretty sure that there is more to this meme thing than I know, only I am pretty sure that I am not going to do anything to fix it!
 
 WHY, you ask? Well, I spend A LOT of time on the computer. A LOT is actually an understatement (even in all CAPS). My schedule these days is:
1. Wake up--usually because of yelling or crying--OR because the kids are making noise (I don't think I will ever NOT do that joke. it's like I'm a ninety-year-old man!)
2. More yelling, screaming, crying.
3. Ask children nicely to get dressed and make sure their bags are ready.
4. Make breakfast (I don't know if you remember (or if you READ your assignment...)http://anothertiredmommy.blogspot.com/2011/10/healthy-i-think-not.html, but it pretty much explains why I try to feed my children some fruit, yogurt, or whole grains before they go to school in the morning. I COULD have them eat the animal crackers that the school provides for breakfast (and I DO on REALLY bad mornings!), but I'm a mean mom.
5. Ask children nicely to get dressed and make sure their bags are ready. Ask children to brush their teeth.
6. Pack lunches (YES--I know it would be easier if I would only pack them at night, but it turns out it ISN'T that much easier and it is so very hard for me to get off of the sofa at night).
7. Ask children nicely to get dressed and make sure their bags are ready. Ask children to brush their teeth.
8. Gather books and papers and lunches to put in their bags that are not ready.
9. Throw dishes in the sink (or leave them on the table for days. It just depends...)
10. Scream at the top of my lungs because the children did not gather their things and put them in their bags and they did not brush their teeth.
11. Scream LOUDER because the children STILL don't have shoes on and their teeth are rotting out as I speak.
12. Zip up bags, force toothbrushes in each child's mouth (though I may let them rot--it just depends on the day) carry three bags and three screaming children out the door.
13. BARELY make it to school on time. USUALLY pull up to the building just as the doors are closing and locking.
14. Sign children in late.
15.Drop the youngest off at preschool.
16. Magic returns. Permanent scowl not quite as evident as earlier.
17. DRAG (YES, DRAG...I'm still working on the whole "mind-body" thing) my butt to the gym.
   
Okay--when all is said and done, I usually get home between 12 and 12:30 depending on how much I do at the gym--exercising AND talking.  My latest schedule has included eating an apple and a banana on the way to school (I was missing breakfast) and making and eating a salad when I get home (I was missing lunch, too). THEN...I get on the computer. SOME days I will clean first, but if I do that I tend to feel uninspired and have a more difficult time writing. All this takes some work--you understand.  Now, you may be asking yourself, WHY does it take three hours to write a blog? It doesn't. I usually sit down and hammer it out within minutes, but it takes a full hour to mess with any links I may want to add, an hour to review facebook posts, and about TWO hours to fight with CAPCHA codes to comment on my blog and other blogs I like. I posted on facebook the other day some examples of what my demonic computer sends to me: " The "CAPTCHA" codes I got today when commenting on blogs: ruinsu, sch A sap, and stu upD. I swear the little man in my computer is messing with me!" I've also gotten "U shtup," "UR hor," "grl dMB" and "smel LE fet." Maybe I'm reaching,but I don't think I am. My computer demon thinks I am a stupid, smelly whore who is a sap and should shut up. Oh--and something "ruins" me. Or I ruin something. Either way, there is "ruining" going on and THAT can't be good!
If I ever figure out how to do tabs, I am going to have one for my running log of CAPCHA codes. There are so many that I can't even THINK of now--some that just come right out and SAY nasty things (unlike these where you have to work at them a little. instead of "UR hor," they come out and say, "YOU are a Whore," or "Hey you stupid slut!" Nice. That just reminded me of a song that is evidently out now--something about a "stupid slut..." by some young performer my children idolize. My friend Berenice told me that her daughter LOVES this person, so I know it is just a matter of time for MY children. Considering my only experience with music is KidsBop and Barney (yes, Addison still LOVES that purple dinosaur and is NOT ashamed to admit it), I am glad she warned me. I cannot even IMAGINE what I would do if I heard one of my children say or sing, "...stupid whore..." We've come a long way since http://anothertiredmommy.blogspot.com/2011/10/to-curse-or-not-to-curse.html and evidently we landed on, "to curse."

They STILL act like it is a big deal when someone says, "stupid," and unless they HAVE heard that song, I'm pretty sure they have never heard the word, "whore," so I may be safe. Of course, three weeks in to kindergarten last year, I heard Ryan telling Brayden that she and her friend, Caitlyn, have a "...sexy walk" that they do on the playground. REALLY? A SEXY walk? Sadly, it was true. Last night friends of ours invited us over for a "family night" that they have every Monday. When the organized activities were done, SEVEN children (I seriously don't know HOW people do it--bless you, Duggar family and those like you! Anyway--sorry! I saw something shiny.)   Oh--so the girls were playing dress up and they came strutting into the kitchen wearing and OWNING high heels. I am pretty sure that I would have bit it--HARD-- in heels that high, but my daughter was strutting her stuff like it was her job. GREAT news. NOW I understand the "sexy walk" on the playground and it is QUITE disturbing!

It is now Friday and I wrote all of this on Tuesday. I explained that the actual WRITING of the blog usually only takes minutes and that is true. The problem is, on some days I am sleep-typing. Today could end up being one of those days and Tuesday was DEFINITELY a sleep-typing day. On most sleep-typing days, I peck away at the keys, finish in minutes and post before I think twice about what I've written (and hope it wasn't something horribly done or in poor taste). I try to NEVER look at those posts again. EVER. The problem with this post is that I actually DID fall asleep while typing it. LUCKILY I  nodded off enough to jerk myself awake, because I promised to spend the morning in my daughter's classroom and the afternoon in my son's. I immediately exited the program and rushed off to help out with the crazy Valentine's Day happenings in their classrooms. I also volunteer when it ISN'T a crazy classroom day and those days are SO MUCH BETTER, but  I  realize that my services are more needed on the crazy days. It KILLS me because the principal was OBSERVING teachers on Valentine's Day. I remember my own principals when I was teaching reminding us that EVERY day is a teaching day. I don't care WHERE you are, or WHO celebrates or not--a classroom full of twenty-five PLUS elementary school-aged children  is going to be OUT OF HAND on Valentine's Day. Add to it the fact that they chose to  make Valentine's week, conference week as well (which means they get out an hour and a half earlier)...what a nightmare.  These are things that annoyed me as a teacher and that annoy me even more as a parent. Setting someone up to fail is not something I like to witness--even when I'm in sleep-typing/walking/volunteering mode.

WHY am I telling you all of this? Because it is now FRIDAY and I never posted this. Only NOW I am looking at it again (though I only skimmed it because it is boring enough to send me RIGHT back into sleep-typing mode) and wondering if I should just quit while I'm ahead and post it before it gets worse. This was GOING to be a Valentine's Day post--I'm not sure what it ended up as, but I DO want to mention that I got a pretty good V-Day gift. My husband came home with Bang Bang shrimp from Bonefish Grill (which we haven't had in YEARS because we lived in MonFREAKINtana (see http://anothertiredmommy.blogspot.com/2011/10/hundred-dead-bodies-simply-arent-enough.html to see how much I truly LOVE MonFREAKINtana) and the one here is about forty minutes from us) (http://anothertiredmommy.blogspot.com/2012/02/according-to-my-plan-oh-great-now-i.html) which tells me that--EGADS--he actually READS my blog!  WHAT a GREAT present! After THIS particular post, he MAY be the only one left who does...

I bet you can think of FIFTY things that taste as good as you feel reading THIS!

According to my "plan" (oh great--now I have to think about that Friends episode and laugh again. That takes up a lot of time...), today is "Friday's Fabulous Facebook Finds" day. I should write about all of the things that other people did to make me laugh this week. According to my "plan," that is. Since we all know that I am about as consistent as my internet signal (N-O-T CONSISTENT...), I'm not sure if my rambling will end with that or not. I guess we shall see. YES--WE shall see. So continue reading and DO NOT click on that little red "x!" Do not minimize so that you can watch or read something better. DON'T DO IT. Thanks!

I left the gym this morning feeling pleased that I stayed for two hours and did a pretty hard workout and feeling crummy that...well...I was at the GYM. I KNOW there are people out there who LOVE going to the gym (Tom, Laura, Heidi...) and I salute you. No, really--not with THAT finger--I salute you the proper way because the world needs people like you to motivate people like me to get our fat @S$#s moving!  If we didn't see other people doing it and having fun, we would NEVER put down the Ben and Jerry's and get to a workout facility. EVER. I know that the more you work out the more endorphins you produce, but I've said this before: ANY endorphins I EVER produced were delivered OUT of me with the placentas. If the first two didn't get them, that last one sucked them up like ME on a chocolate ganache-filled cupcake. IN FACT, my friend Melissa at http://www.adoredbefore.com/ and http://designherbrands.blogspot.com/ wrote an update the other day that I had also posted a bit differently weeks before about this. First, my friend, Tom (not the lounge singer (Tom Jones)--the OTHER Tom (he's the one who makes Tony Robbins look like he's depressed and unmotivated) posted "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" on his facebook page and I thought, "Huh. I guess that's true" and continued thinking about it for days. IN FACT, I think about it EVERY day and I finally posted, "Anyone who thinks that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels OBVIOUSLY has never tasted..."Lindt truffles. Or Nutella. Or lettuce wraps from P.F.Changs. Or Bang-Bang shrimp (or the yummy house salad--and the BREAD) from Bonefish. Or the BREAD and pretty much anything else from Carrabas, dipped in the "Italian butter." Or ANY of my Auntie Jojo's cooking (or my grandmother's cooking when she was alive). Or my mother's cooking back when she used to cook meals--198...SEVEN maybe?  Six? Let's say my mother's cooking circa 1984, just to be safe. Or this amazing doughnut (and the TOMATO PIE!) I had from Jim Main's bakery in Vineland--the outside is just a little crispy while the slightly warm doughnut oozes with the most decadent white filling EVER combined with the smooth chocolate icing...YUM. Or ANY of the baked goods that the Italian bakeries in New Jersey seem to offer. Or Rita's gelato--Swedish Fish with vanilla. Or the filet we used to get at It's About Thyme in Culpepper, Virginia (YES--CULPEPER!) that you could cut with a spoon. A SPOON. That bad boy would turn a vegan into a meat eater in seconds. A SPOON. *SIGH*

OR ANYTHING from Fotis (ALSO in Culpeper, though so many people don't have faith and snub their noses at Culpeper, so they will miss out on these delectable treats) which is run by some chefs who left The Inn At Little Washington (which is supposedly one of the BEST places to eat in the COUNTRY--at least as it was told to me by a guy I taught with years ago who took his wife there for their...twenty-fifth? Fiftieth? I'm lucky I know my OWN...!) wedding anniversary) to start their own restaurant. No one is happier than I am with their decision to leave, as Fotis is a fine dining experience for those who do NOT wish to sell a kidney to get funding. The wait staff treat EVERYONE (Even the jean-clad parents of two (at the time) who spent their day at a pumpkin farm) like royalty which makes the food taste EVEN BETTER. My memories of that place make me much happier than my memories of being skinny. Sorry, Tom!

Of course, when I was SKINNY, I THOUGHT I was fat, so maybe THAT is why my memories are so tainted. I didn't get to ENJOY my skinny days and I REALLY enjoyed my not-so-skinny (yes, I KNOW that means fat, but I'm not as eager to use that word now that I know that it applies to me. Thanks...) days eating what I wanted to eat. That's not to say that I wasn't healthy--I just need to not eat sugar EVER and to work out DAILY. THAT is what MY body needs to look good. And THAT pisses me off. GREATLY. I feel that I want to renegotiate the contract. I will exercise regularly (AT LEAST three to five days a week) and eat everything in moderation and you, body, will look like a person who is exercising regularly and eating everything in moderation. Unfortunately, my body is a bi&%# and didn't agree to my terms. I have to say, for the entire time I lived in Montana (almost two years) I only worked out seven times. SEVEN TIMES.  I did try to be an  EXTREMELY healthy eater when we first moved there, but I was very sick. I would FORCE down fish (can't stand it, but REALLY want to...) and find fun quinoa and bulgur recipes, not to mention the berry, flax seed, spinach, kale banana smoothies I drank with my kids each morning--but I still felt crummy--ALL the time, and when I tried to work out, I was exhausted and sometimes in pain. We moved there a few months after I stopped nursing my youngest, so I went INTO this new "contract" still needing to lose baby weight (from all THREE of my children--don't let me fool you!) and when I lay dormant for twenty-three months--let's just say it DIDN'T help! I gave up on the strict healthy eating because I thought, "i feel like I am dying and there is NO WAY I am going to choke down FISH as my last meal!" There were many days when the only thing I would eat would be a chocolate milkshake I begged my husband to bring home. Take THAT, body!

I had a partial hysterectomy and felt a bit better, but still not good enough to exercise. Of course, the longer I took to "feel like" exercising, the worse my body got. I had ANOTHER hysterectomy (Relax, boys! You KNOW we have the parts--well, I don't have the parts anymore, but there is no need to be shy about this. It's ALL medical...) and felt even better, though I didn't feel like a normal human being until after I was on a steroid that helped me to pack on 30-40 EXTRA pounds--WHILE I wasn't exercising (though I gave up the milkshake diet AND the fish!), so I was a HOT MESS. And by "HOT," I don't mean HOT. At. All. A friend of mine who has suffered from and risen above autoimmune diseases her whole life insisted that they test me for Sjogren's disease. She and a Rheumatologist  I worked with thought that my symptoms (OH-SO-MANY) mimicked those of Sjogren's patients. Long story--LONGER--I went on Sjogren's meds and am now renegotiating my contract with my body. And my body is winning. In my defense, it weighs more.

SO. I've pretty much given up on endorphins AND most of the foods I listed above which I happily reacquainted myself with after my first surgery, however, I am a sucker for a baked good and anything hinting of chocolate. If only...if only those baked goods made me as happy as I would feel if I were to fit into ANY of my fat clothes (YES...my ridiculously "fat" clothes are now too small. YIKES!) or into my old workout clothes that are actually kind of cute. NOW I am a smelly disgusting mess in my mismatched clothes that barely fit when I pick my daughter up after the gym and I don't even have a cute workout outfit because NOTHING is cute in this size AND nothing fits me anyway.

Wow--this went from "hopefully going to be funny," to "not funny at all," to "downright depressing!" Glad I could be of service...
I bet "skinny" feels WAAAAAAAY better than THIS felt while reading it! THAT'S something, right?!