EVERYONE (still) loves Lucy!

So I told you yesterday that EVERYONE loves Lucy and if you didn't complete your assignment of clicking, it is OKAY.  Lucy was kind enough to visit--at least on here--today and you will be happy she did. I don't know if you remember my post about leaving Tom, but you should read it now if you don't.

Okay--you're done, right?  'cause I don't want the whole class to have to keep waiting for you to complete the assignment you were supposed to finish WEEKS ago.  This isn't even fun when it's fake, is it? No one likes to be scolded or nagged--even IF and WHEN they are slacking. Sorry. The thing is, I claimed yesterday that Lucy and I share a brain--half the time I read what she writes and forget that she wrote it--I think I am reading my own words--only I laugh so much more when they come out of HER brain! You will see...if I ever stop TALKING...

Thanks to The Suburban Jungle for creating the perfect ecard for today and to Why don't you go back to your  home on  Whore Island for sharing it with the rest of us.  

HEEEEERE'S LUCY!

MONKEY NONSENSE

Recently, I have come to accept the fact that I am a technical moron and that soon my 4-year 
old will be able to school me on things I didn't even know our computer, phones, camera, or iPad 
were capable of. He can't read yet and he already knows how to use the Wii better than me. (That rhymed.)
I still can't wrap my brain around how a radio plays music or how we can hear each other on our phones. 
It's magical to me, and I just don't get it. You can talk to me about wires and signals and shit, and I
will nod my head with a twinkle of understanding in my eyes, but it never goes beyond that. I can (sometimes) 
recite the words about how it works, but I JUST DON'T GET IT.

    I suppose a lot of people don't understand how things work, but at least most of them know how
to use their gizmos. I still only know the basics about my DVR, Microsoft Office, the Internet, my cell 
phone, iPhoto, and other such things. As soon as I figure out the most recent (and unnecessary) 
changes facebook has made, they smack me in the face with new ones. I recently joined twitter and have 
absolutely no idea how to use it. I think people are following me, and I may be following others, but I can't
be sure. What the hell do all those symbols mean? Is it weird to "tweet" in a complete sentence? I just 
don't know. Oh, and this blog is also about as fancy as it's going to get without help. Someone has actually
very kindly offered to help me do it up a bit via Skype,so if you notice any changes, she gets all the credit. 
But, first I'll have to conquer Skype. I've had a couple of conversations with my brother on it, but his face 
is always disappearing and he tries to send me stuff at the same time and I just get all confused. Maybe 
I'll figure it all out someday and maybe I won't.  The only thing I am sure about is that if and when 
I figure it out,  it will be purely by accident and I will instantly forget what I 

did to make it work.

    

I was talking to a friend about our blogs, and she said that she uses WordPress rather than 

Blogspot. (Let me just tell you how AWESOME her blog looks. I have total blog envy.) I had all sorts 

of ridiculous questions that a child should know the answers to like which ones are free and whatnot. 

Then she started talking about RSS feeds, and Google reader, and I felt like Homer Simpson when 

someone is talking to him about something he doesn't understand. I just hear theme music or the

voices of Charlie Brown's parents in my head. I told her I was a technical moron, and she told me to 

be nice to myself. (I thought that was really sweet.) After she had explained her jargon, she said it 

probably all sounded like "monkey nonsense" to me. And she was totally right. I am a chimp at my 

computer, randomly pushing buttons. I even clap for myself and hope for a treat if I do well. 

   I'm reminded of that scene from He's Just Not That Into You when Drew Barrymore was 
complaining about all the different ways people can try (and fail) to get in touch with you.
Landlines, cell phones, voicemail, texting, snail mail, e-mail, fax, Skype, facebook, twitter, 
aaaahhhh! It's just all too much. I'm with Drew; "I miss the days when you had one phone number 
and one answering machine and that one answering machine housed one cassette tape and that one 
cassette tape either had a message or it didn't." Life is too damn complicated and 

this instant gratification thing may be causing more trouble than it's worth. I LOVE getting 
letters or cards in the mail that someone wrote out and addressed with an actual pen three 
days ago. (I don't mind the computer-generated invitations or Christmas cards with address 
labels though because I know no one has time to sit down and write them out to all those people.) 
But, I do get all excited when Jim, the mailman, has  a nice handwritten treat for me from a far 
away friend. I also HATE the tricky letters and cards I get that have typed font made to look like 
handwriting. They are preying on my weakness, hoping that I will open their damn letter about lowering 
my mortgage interest rate because it looks like my name was handwritten on the envelope. Bastards. 

  

    I have noticed lately that a lot of my friends are trying to help me out with my lack of technical 
abilities. I was hoping that they knew more about all this stuff than I do because of their jobs, but 
apparently this is not the case. So, why do they know all this stuff and I don't? I kind of care, and I 
kind of don't. I mean, it would be fun and beneficial if I understood the full potential of our gadgets, 
but I get so easily overwhelmed by all of it. 

I had a friend over a couple nights ago and she was telling me about all the apps available for the
iPad and I was completely flabbergasted by the amount of things this little guy can do. There's an
app you can use to scan the barcode on ANYTHING to see who has it at the cheapest price. Whaaaat?
How freakin' cool is that? It can teach you to speak French, play the guitar, and fix your toilet.
We never have to leave the house again! There really IS "an app for that"!

 I know they have classes to demonstrate the full potential of your electronic toys, and they will teach 
you how to use them properly and efficiently. I just don't have the time, money or energy to take 
these classes. Plus, my toddler can just teach me everything I need to know for free in a year or two. 
In the meantime, this chimp will continue to learn little by little, mostly by accident. And while I am still 
in awe of everythingtechnological, I won't REALLY be impressed until there's a laundry app. Now THAT 
would be life-changing. 

Get on that, would ya', Apple?

SEE?! She IS funny and you ARE NOT unhappy. You really should listen 
to me more...

Find Lucy's blog (where she is posting MY work) HERE

Find and like Lucy on Facebook
Don't forget to follow Lucy's Twitter (that sounds vulgar for some reason...after all, she IS a married woman! I know...I need help...)

Mother of the YEAR?!

Did you know that there is ACTUALLY a Mother of the Year...contest?! People are actually NOMINATED for Mother of the Year. REALLY. Okay...so those of you who throw those words out there like I do already KNEW that it was an actual THING? REALLY? Because once again, I am late to the party. I thought we were all just joking and that it wasn't really a thing.

So for those of you who were too busy...parenting...to make it to the party on time, let me fill  you in on all of this. There is ACTUALLYa MOTHEROFTHEYEAR. I guess it is an award and there is a ceremony and everything. I don't know WHY I am so surprised--why WOULD I know of that?!  YELLER of the Year, DEFINITELY. COMPLAINER of the Year, maybe. But MOTHER of the Year? PSHAAA! (That is how I am scoffing now--file that away in your files in your brain, because I just may whip it out when you least expect it. PSHAAA! See? Just keeping you on your toes...)

I first started claiming the MOTY title in a facebook post explaining my feelings about the Tooth Fairy. It seems that SOME "Tooth Fairies" leave ridiculous amounts of cash and Wii games for THEIR children when they lose teeth. No...the teeth are NOT made of gold or platinum--I asked. No, the teeth DO NOT clean and organize the home--I asked that, too. It seems that these Wii wielding, money making teeth are just like the teeth that my children have in their mouths, yet SOMEHOW, my children't teeth are worth like a quarter. Or fifty cents. POSSIBLY a dollar--depending on the tooth.

After whining venting to my facebook friends about the racket we call "losing teeth," I continued on with my night, complaining about Tommy and Lexi's parents "Tooth Fairies," who set the bar so very high. Really--a WII game makes sense for losing a TOOTH?! He didn't discover the New World for crying out loud--he lost a freakin' TOOTH. And FIVE dollars?! Though significantly less than a Wii game,  FIVE FREAKIN' DOLLARS?! She had better be scrubbing some floors for that amount of coin...

I was so caught up in the absurdity of it all that when I finally settled down, it was to go to sleep. WITHOUT removing the tooth from under the pillow and WITHOUT "helping" the Tooth Fairy to bring the fifty cents to a dollar that my husband and I deemed reasonable for a lost tooth. I woke up the following day to, "Why didn't the Tooth Fairy come, Mommy?!" MOTY moment! I believe that my response on THIS particular occasion went something like this," Are you sure? Maybe she put it somewhere else?" I asked as I used stealth maneuvering to place a dollar and a chicken scratched note (that I wrote while my husband and Brayden "looked" for the surprise) under his blankets. MIRACULOUSLY, he found it. The note read something like this:

BrAyDEn:

Congratulations! I hope you enjoy your dollar--I always give more money and allow you to keep the FIRST tooth because THAT is the most exciting tooth! I couldn't put the money under your pillow because when I tried you rolled over and took your pillow with you! Don't forget to brush--I can't give money or presents for a dirty tooth!

LoVE,

TF

 When I posted my MOTY moment, SO MANY of my friends posted similar stories. This was back before I even knew what a blog was, but I should find it now and share the posts--some of them were pretty funny! My point? I always used  Mother of the Year sarcastically--never knowing that there could REALLY be a Mother of the Year! I wonder what I would need to do to get nominated. Stop yelling, I would imagine. Oh--and stop making them cry all the time. And I would guess that sarcasm is out. And I suppose I would have to FEED them. regularly. Oh--and BATHE them. And brush their hair. And REMEMBER to have the Tooth Fairy come. And at least give the illusion of having a calm and happy family. 

Wow--I am exhausted just TALKING about this award. I think I prefer to win the sarcastic MOTY award. So no one is going to send me to DC or buy me presents...they don't do that now AND I do not have the added pressure of PRETENDING to be good at this job! I am just happy that we are all walking (almost) upright at the end of each day. Maybe they could lower the bar to MOTMinute--even then I don't think I stand a chance...