My friend, Melissa just started a new job. She is a little overwhelmed, as she has been home with her four children for the last...five years? Six? I'm not sure, though I probably SHOULD be. Sure that is. Anyway, this new job (although it sounds AHMAZINNNG to me) is really taking its toll on her. You see, she only needs to work five days a month, but those five days are (usually) spent travelling. She will eventually be earning enough money doing this that I am sure it will be worth it to her. I know--I shouldn't speak for someone else. My husband would hate the job (though he would LOVE the hours and the pay!) because he hates to travel. I don't believe it when people tell me that they don't like to travel, but he has stood by this for thirteen years now...maybe there is SOME truth to it. Anyway, it is really hard for Melissa to relinquish control over the home--something I COMPLETELY understand. As a stay at home parent, your job BECOMES you. You have a way of doing things [what you consider to be] the RIGHT way and another person cannot simply step in and make your world happen. There is a routine. Rules must be followed.
I know for me, I was extremely threatened when my husband stepped up to the plate and was able to do...well, EVERYTHING without any major disasters and with everyone still standing at the end of the day. Whenever I was too sick to do the daily routine, my husband would take over and would do things...HIS way and would seemingly complete everything with ease, which drove me out of my mind. It made me feel like the world would be just fine without me and what a CRUMMY feeling that is. I know--this sounds so selfish, but be honest with yourself for like a second and tell me that you don't long to feel needed--at least to SOME degree in your life. See? It sucks, right?
Just a few weeks ago I was having a bad day and I asked my husband to make the salad for dinner. Who knew that my husband (whose main only dishes are french toast and macandcheeseandhotdogs (yes--all together JUST like that)) would go all Gordon Ramsey on the salad chopping and fluffing and peeling...
I need you to know something. When I "make" a salad, I wash the veggies and MAYBE slice them--MAYBE. I leave the peels on pretty much EVERYTHING because A. The peels are generally the healthiest part and 2. I am DAMN lazy tired. Gordon Ramsey My husband not only peeled things, he sliced wagon wheel cucumbers and radish flowers. I can't work with this. I wish I could explain to you the level of disgust I felt for my husband when I looked at his...masterpiece. No, I was not ecstatic that he significantly helped me get a healthy meal together for our family. I was not thanking him profusely. Instead, I was stewing over the fact that he had made a "fancy salad," and I kept mentioning his, "FAAANCY salad" like he had stolen the last morsel of food out of my baby's mouth. "Look at you with your FAAANCY salad...I don't ever make FAANCY salads..." I was like a little bully--NOT an endearing quality I have to say.
A few days later, I was going out with some friends. Yes, I KNOW that I should have spent my time being happy and grateful that I was able to go out with friends, but he did it AGAIN. I had dinner all ready for everyone, but my husband felt the need to make ANOTHER fancy salad. I cannot explain to you how upset this made me. I am not proud, but I became ENRAGED over that stupid salad. All I kept thinking was that he had to go and make a fancy salad to show that he could make a salad better than I could. REALLY?! As I am typing this I cannot get over how RIDICULOUS it sounds. But aren't we ALL that ridiculous sometimes? The more I got in my own head, the angrier I became. My husbands blatant disregard innocent ignorance of my irrationality just made me more irrational. I had to tell the story OUT LOUD so that I could hear myself and finally laugh at the absurdity of it all. It gave us something to laugh at that night. The next day I told my husband about it and he had NO CLUE (duh!) that I was even upset!
I know this started with Melissa and she is not a lunatic as crazy as I am when it comes to how she "runs" things at home. Like any stay at home parent, she became invested in her children's daily routine and feels a lack of...control now that (at least for five days a month) she has to relinquish that control and adapt to a new identity. We have all been there to some degree, even if it is only with someone offering to help. "This is how I do it..." 'Thanks, but they are used to ME and the way that I do things..." We are truly worried that if we relinquish control our entire identity will spin out of our hands. First it's cartoons before breakfast, next it's dropping out of high school. We are so afraid of something horrible happening when we aren't there to protect our children, but we are also afraid that NOTHING horrible will happen. That the routine we spent YEARS fine tuning and adapting to our family's needs is completely unnecessary and the family will function without it.
THIS is quite a tangent! I was GOING to tell you about the madness that prompted my I'm Leaving Tom post, but I clearly needed some catharsis and there seems to be a shortage of therapists in Jersey. Perhaps Tuesday's story will be better told...well...on Tuesday. I think I want a salad. A fancy salad--with wagon wheels and radish flowers. No peels. And I will make it MYSELF...
What are some ways YOU relinquish control OR refuse to relinquish control?
What are some ways YOU relinquish control OR refuse to relinquish control?
