SO what if little sleep makes me cranky...and political...and foul-mouthed...

Don't be a hater. If you want people to hear you and if you REALLY think you have important things to say, then be nice. If you are...sorry...a d!ck, no one will want to hear you and they will MOST DEFINITELY not listen to you. Unless your name is Rush. Or Glen. Or Hannity.

 I'm not sure WHY, but people over the last decade have become comfortable with being yelled at and told what to think. THEN they yell at others and tell THEM what to think. It is maddening. Why is it considered LIBERAL to formulate your own opinions instead of following herds of sheep who are taking orders from a blowhard with no sense? And why is being LIBERAL an insult? Liberalism (from the Latin liberalis) is the belief in the importance of liberty and equal rights. Should we not ALL be liberals? Can we not dislike masked men who pillage and rape, yet take the time to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that we do indeed have the right man behind the mask? Okay...so my analogy is lacking, but surely you see my point. In fact, I INSIST that you see my point, because these days, that's what people seem to want. They want to be TOLD how they are supposed to feel and want to move forward without researching anything on their own and without questioning their heroes--or anyone who confirms what they WANT to believe. 

Years ago, I had a friend who was(is)a die-hard Republican. This "friend's" political party made up her entire BEING. Her small children claimed to be Republican as well. In fact, when Obama was elected, her young daughter cried and said, "Oh no, Mommy! What are we going to do now that a LIAR is running our country?!" Really? REALLY?! (I know what you are thinking...EVERY PERSON WHO HAS EVER RUN FOR OFFICE AND EVERY PERSON WHO HAS EVER BEEN IN OFFICE LIED--I know that and YOU know that, but that is not the point. For today at least...) I looked at the mother in disbelief. She REALLY finds it okay to put this burden on her child? REALLY? Not to mention, THIS is how we "train" our future leaders? By raising them as little sheep from the time they exit the womb? By teaching them that it isn't okay for them to think for themselves--EVER--and by TELLING them what THEY believe? Every time I think about this I feel sick. And sad.

 During that time I taught high school English and I had a group of tenth graders who...let's just say they liked to fester in their negativity. The class was really diverse ethnically speaking and there were some STRONG opinions for fourteen-sixteen-year-olds and some conversations got a little...heated due to ignorance on the part of some--because of the way they were raised. Hate is taught. One day the anger and negativity was too much for me. I told them to write the three things that made them the happiest on a sheet of paper. When the majority of them did nothing, I told them that I was going to mail their responses home and that they would only get full credit if they had a proper heading (HEADING...you remember...your name, the date, the class, the period...HEADING...anyway...) and if they wrote THREE things that made them happy. I showed them on the board:
 1. My marriage 2. My children 3. Chocolate

 I am sure that I am totally lying right now. There is NO WAY that chocolate came third at that point in time and I am P-R-E-T-T-Y sure that my marriage didn't even make the list at that point (My children were three, two, and one. Wine was probably first and marriage probably never entered the equation. I told you I was angry. And tired. And thirsty.)

 Anyway, they had to follow the model and pass up their papers. I know you think that I am being overly repetitive right now and that this is a bit too basic for a group of tenth graders. You would be wrong. Three people did not do it, five people forgot their names and seven people did not follow the model. When I told them I was going to mail it home, I cannot even DESCRIBE the level of disdain that was thrown at me. Here's me:
 "Seriously?! It is THAT upsetting to you that I am going to show your parents THREE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?!"
Here's them: "OHMYGODWHYWOULDYOEDOTHATYOUCAN'TDOTHATIT'SMYOWNPRIVATEWORKDON'TPLEASEMRS.CORWINYOUWOULDN'T...!" It was mayhem. When all was said and done (or whined and chicken-scratched out) what I found the most interesting was one paper that read: repulicans,guns,mony god dad
 Hmm. Well...I guess it's nice that he thought of his father. And God made a brief appearance, so there's THAT. I found it a bit...disheartening that a child who was not even old enough to vote wrote that the thing that made him the HAPPIEST was what I could only assume was supposed to read, "Republicans." Obviously SPELLING and PENMANSHIP weren't up on his list. Noted.

 Don't get me wrong--political parties make me happy, too. Especially when they give me MATERIAL. I just don't understand how a boy--barely a teenager--could place his happiness in the hands of a political party--regardless of which one he chose.

 Now, during that time I also taught classes full of--advanced isn't strong enough and genius sounds pretentious...gifted does not even begin to cover it--think Big Bang Theory--you know, Sheldon (which is what we call my son at times...)? No? Let's go with Future Cancer-curers of America. Many of these students, though I did NOT play the same game with them could have answered similarly and it would have caused me less concern (though still wouldn't be my FAVORITE answers). The difference being that THESE students (even if they didn't do it FOR an assignment) would research EVERYTHING they were passionate about and do whatever was in their power to PROVE that they were right. It happened, but RARELY would there be a blowhard yammering on about undocumented facts that they spewed after listening to talk radio or MSN. Like I said...it happened,I mean, they WERE high school students after all, but it was rare. My point? Do you really feel good about yourself as a parent if you are raising your children to follow along blindly? Are the more educated people (and by more educated I do NOT mean "most powerful" nor do I mean Democrat OR Republican) in our world "following blindly" or are they researching to find out for themselves? And if the answers are not found, do we really want our children to lead with hate and to follow those who are yelling the loudest? Is it THAT important to us to have our children grow up having the SAME EXACT views that WE have? Are we REALLY that confident in ourselves?! How are we raising people to cure disease and to take care of us if they are simply following along in our shadows? WE didn't cure cancer. WE'RE not even PLAYING someone who cured cancer on television. And following a political party does not a politician make. (You see what I did there? No? Yeah...I don't either...I just thought--I know--I shouldn't do that. Think, I mean...) Or maybe that IS what does make a politician and maybe THAT is what is wrong with politicians. They don't THINK...

 I really try not to get political (OBVIOUSLY...)--I don't like what most blowhards people have to offer because too many people think they have the answers and too few people are actually LOOKING for said answers. I am NOT a liberal, but I AM liberal. I live in a democracy and choose to exercise my democratic rights--or not to if the case may be. I become more conservative the older I get, but I do not push my views on others--it is not my job, nor do I feel that it is my right. Also, if a person takes the time to PROVE an assertion, I can be swayed. These days I am swayed more easily because I am just too damn lazy to research things on my own.

 My children DO NOT live in a democracy. They live in...a kingdom. I am the queen and they MUST do as I say or suffer the consequences. I have run the kingdom into the ground a bit because I...listen to too many complaints from "the people" instead of continuing with my tyrannical lead with little to no thought of their opinions.I blame the blowhards for this. I am so afraid of pushing my beliefs onto my children instead of allowing them to learn and grow for fear of BECOMING a blowhard that I cave when I should be strong. I do not want my children to think that they need to follow blindly and that my way IN LIFE must be their way when they leave here. I want to teach them how to look for answers on their own and how to deduce fact from fiction and news from...whatever it is that WE get these days. I want them to form assertions based on proof and to CHANGE their opinions if the facts change (instead of standing up for something merely because they initially thought that they were right). I'm trying to find...the line...to have my tyrannical lead WHILST teaching them to question...just as long as they don't question ME...that can be done, right?! (Yes...I DID use "whilst..." it can be done...)

 Why is it that changing one's mind has now been deemed flip-flopping and indecisive? When did we go from wanting to know the truth to having to firmly stand on a position that is no longer valid to give the APPEARANCE of strength? When did we lose humility? That same year of teaching was the first time I was given a hard time (by parents AND students)for admitting to not knowing things (imagine how hard THAT year was, considering how LITTLE I really know...!). We are now a world where everyone must give the illusion of knowing everything. Humility is weak and standing on principle...with no supporting evidence...is considered strong. Bullying others into believing whatever nonsensical information you spew out of your mouth is now revered. Good news for Brayden...he came out of the WOMB KNOWING everything. I have spent my days trying desperately to teach him humility and to show him that it is OKAY to not know everything. Unfortunately, this world is going to show him otherwise...

 Thanks to The Klonopin Chronicles and Unconventional Wisdom for the above photo. It couldn't be more perfect!

Helpful or not?

When I first got on facebook (about three years ago), I had SO MUCH FUN connecting with people I had truly missed throughout the years. It seemed I was constantly finding new friends and they were finding me. It was the BEST thing for a person like me--one who MEANS well, but has a little trouble with the follow-through. The road to hell REALLY IS paved on good intentions--I can feel the heat beneath my feet! I INTEND to be a good friend, but the truth is, I kind of suck. There is something else you should know about me. I think EVERYONE feels the same way I do about things. Let me correct that--I KNOW that SO MANY PEOPLE DO NOT SHARE MY VIEWS. I just refuse to accept that. It's not that I am a know-it-all. It's quite the contrary in fact. I admit to being wrong about pretty much EVERYTHING. Until I think I'm right. I base what is "right" to me on what benefits most people or what creates the happiest ending. I've found in recent months that MANY of my "friends" do NOT share this method of reasoning. Duly noted. I first started this...feeling...when I went off to college. I was blessed to find the MOST PATIENT roommate EVER. Seriously, she should be a saint with all that she had to put up with when I was there. Example? Day one. My parents and I set up the room before she arrived. We made SURE to take over every inch of one half of the room--maybe even going over that inch in some areas. No complaints from her. I went out--ALL the time and kept her (or woke her) up until all hours of the night. No complaints from her. I even passed my "line" and took over the ENTIRE ROOM with all of my...prized possessions scattered around like...well, a junk hole--no hyperbole here, it's the truth. Some complaining, but she still loved me. Don't get me wrong--I wasn't ALWAYS horrible and I used to be very nice actually. I also used to be the person who would do anything for anyone with a smile on my face. I think the old me would REALLY annoy the new me. In fact, I kind of feel like going back in time to punch the old me in the face. THAT is a conversation for another day. I made such good friends in college and loved how there was no...ranking...or anything to prevent me from being who I was or being friends with anyone. It didn't matter what I wore, or even what I said or did--my friends were my friends. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn't necessarily COLLEGE that did this. I realized that everyone had grown up and we were all on the same playing field, unlike the competition and ranking in high school. This revelation infested me with confidence and I made it my goal to befriend--well, everyone. My friends used to make fun of how many random friends I had. From townies to transfer students, I made it MY MISSION to be liked by everyone (maybe too much in some cases, but my mom [may be] reading this, so I won't get into THAT). When I went home for the summer, I ran into this couple who went to high school with me. He was very friendly with me--always had been nice to everyone it seemed--but SHE was a different story. She wasn't Lindsay Lohan Mean Girls or anythhing, she was just...aloof. Having this newfound insight, I thought I was friends with EVERYONE and that EVERYONE got the memo about being on the same plaing field. Evidently not. I remember chatting amiably and telling them to give me a call if they ever wanted to get together that summer. Not because I didn't already have WAY TOO MANY people to keep up with (along with working three jobs), but because EVERYONE had to be my friend. As I walked away, I realized that I may have been off on that one...and unless they legitimately lost my phone number AND their phone books, I was. I tell this Sue Heck-like story not to make you sad for the bushy-unibrowed gangly girl I once was, but to tell you how I did a similar thing on facebook. (And if you don't know Sue Heck, check out The Middle. I think I laugh more out of the embarrassment that Sue Heck is ME circa 1986 than the fact that the mother is me now!) You see, I have a theory. I have A LOT of theories. THIS particular theory is about pregnancy, delivery and post-partum depression. I believe that pregnancy and delivery SUCK. I believe that those who THINK they love it are lying to themselves. That Duggar woman? Certifiable. I actually feel sorry for her because her brain is so far into that mommy cloud, it will never be able to come back, which is a good thing in her case. IMAGINE what would happen if her brain DID come back now? "HOLY *&#!! I have HOW MANY children? AND I'M PREGNANT?! What am I, A CAT?! Or worse--A RABBIT?!" Better she should remain in the mommy cloud. Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about when I say "mommy cloud" because any woman who has given birth to a child and any woman or man who has (or are currently) raised or lived with small children KNOWS what a "mommy cloud" is. My sister calls is "Placenta brain" which I love, but it happens regardless of the placenta. It happens simply because there is a child or are children snipping away at your brain with their constant demands (Now I have to feed them AND be nice to them? Apparently I also have to LISTEN to them, though they don't reciprocate) and incessant whining. Add to that the fact that so many choose to stay at home to give their children..."The best care ever"(which in my case is a joke at times because, REALLY? They are better off with me as a raging psychopath than with children their own age and teachers who do fun activities with them each day? REALLY?! so they don't have contact with the outside world. THIS is where I have been for the last few years. After having my children I worked for just over two years (not consecutively) and have been home the rest of the time. My son will be eight this year. That is SIX YEARS of spending the majority of my time with people who seemingly cannot be taught anything and who do not listen to a word I say unless I YELL IT LIKE A LUNATIC. No wonder I have no brain. HOW does this relate to my facebook incident? I'll tell you. The year after I "retired" from teaching for the third time, I acquainted myself with facebook and spent my time searching for those I thought I had wronged in some way or had a falling out with for some reason. One of my closest friends in high school was on and he posted that his wife was pregnant with their second child. I was so very happy for them and (although we hadn't SPOKEN in almost twenty years)I somehow thought it was MY responsibility to to warn him about ONE of my theories (though in the eleven page email I sent him I did not MENTION it was MY theory...hmmm...)about parenthood and pregnancy. I believe that EVERYONE suffers through some form of "baby blues" or another. Not everyone goes all Susan Smith on their family or dislikes their babies, but simply being sleep-deprived is enough to mess with your psyche--add to it everything else that comes with the job (and the PREPARATION for the job) and who WOULDN'T be depressed or feel disconnected at times?! Notice you never heard Tom Cruise say another negative word about postpartum depression after HIS wife was pregnant. I mentioned ALL OF THIS (plus a little more, I'm sure!) to my "friend" and felt compelled to explain more. I'm SO VERY HELPFUL, no?! There are varying degrees of this depression and add to it ANOTHER baby (before your brain comes back from the first) and it can be madness. If your spouse doesn't UNDERSTAND this, imagine how bad it can get. Some of you know because you've been there. Wouldn't YOU want your spouse's freakish friend from a few decades ago to offer unsolicited advice about how devastating it is going to be when your new baby comes?! YOU'RE WELCOME is what I should say to THAT family. Only, I'm not sure we are even friends on here anymore and if we are I'm P-R-E-T-T-Y sure he "hid" me. Let's just say that the happy commenting we had done BEFORE my "helpful" note was no more and I could almost HEAR the crickets in the room after he read the note--probably aloud--to his spouse. Evidently we don't ALL think the same way and what may seem "helpful" to me may seem a little stalker-like to others. Who knew?! I'd like to say "lesson learned," but I think you know me better than THAT.